Lessons to be Learned

Some time has passed. I’ve ignored everyone. Not out of spite, but giving myself time of reflection. It’s easy to continue living life.

I needed a chance to reflect on what’s happened. This may not make much sense, even to me now, I mean..i’m just an ex-boyfriend, but one of the things i’m learning as i’m getting little older is that I wish I had more time in my youth to really absorb all the things that i’ve experienced. It goes by so fast. It’s so easy to become jaded, to treat the “extraordinary” like just another day. But sometimes there are things which transcend all that. I may have had that.. although i’m not sure and I want to live with it for a little while. Write about it, or think about it in silence with unseen forces looking over my shoulder. Express myself in some fashion, even if no one else notices or see it themselves.

I’ve had time to do just that.. reflect.. speak over my shoulder in hopes that someone in some other frequency can hear me even though I can’t hear them. It’s been occurring since she died.

This divorce that I am going through.. means nothing. Divorce.. to me.. seems like a breeze compared to the reflections, memories and review upon my own life. I find myself looking over my choices to ensure I don’t make the same mistake twice. I don’t want to repeat what I have done. No one deserves the crap I gave her years back. I need to make sure this lesson has been learned. It’s not for her sake.. but for my own. When I die, I want to make sure I can look back and tell myself “yes.. I learned my lesson. Here’s how I changed things”.

What was my lesson? To be honest to your significant other. Don’t lie and be honest. Don’t be stupid and hurtful..but overall, be honest.

The Day after Labor day was the memorial. It took 2 hours to get up there..but I went and payed my respects. The photo movie they showed had a bunch of pictures I had taken way back in the day. Her sister who put the pictures together added them since it showed her at the prime of her life. The memorial was short, but it was lively. About 100 people showed up being a mixture of family and friends. I was the only ex-boyfriend who came.

Afterwards, there was a reception. The kids were eating and the littlest looked at me really hard. He pointed at me and yelled ‘Hey! I know you!”. I kneeled down and smiled. “Hey! I know you too!” I proclaimed. He smiled and continued to eat. I went inside the hall and found the 3 older boys sitting down and eating. I sat right by them and we started talking and playing around. The 3rd oldest who had a problem talking to me last time, was active and talking to me. He was a rambunctious little kid. He took to me immediately and we started playing. Granted I was encouraging the kids to do rude things.. it was nice being able to sit down and interacting with them and having them acknowledge me as someone who cared as a friend. In secret, I wanted to take a picture with them, however I think at that point it would have been inappropriate. I just enjoyed their company.

After they had eaten, we went outside and they continued playing. The oldest one came to me and started talking about the latest game he was playing. He was particular to me because the game he was playing was an old game I used to play years back so he was telling me everything I already knew about it. I just listened because he was the only one who didn’t care in the active running around and misbehaving his brothers were taking to. He was more interested in talking to me as an equal since I used to share in his activity. I was eager to accept what he said too.

Given the almost uncontrollable nature of the 4 kids.. I could only look upon them with care. It’s the least I could do.. Their Dad is going to have a tough time getting through this loss and he could use all the help he could get.

When it was time to depart, The Husband/Dad came to me. He thanked me for coming and he said he appreciated me coming to pay my respects. I thanked him for having me and I wished him the best. I also told him that if he needed anything to let me know. I am around in case he needs help. Granted he may live 5 hours away, I will do my damnedest to help him and the kids.. or at least make life easier. He left back to his home.. and I departed shortly afterward.

It’s time for me to start my new life. Without my soon to be ex-wife. Today, I have to contact my attorney and drop off another $5,000 check. Expensive..yes.. but considering my kids, it’s worth every penny. The side effect is…yes I am dead broke. I can barely make things on my own. Friends have been super supportive and my family has helped out way more than the gratitude I can express.

The update on that so far is this.. we had the court date. My Wife now has joint custody but I am the primary residence. She can only see the kids every other weekend and every Wednesday. It will have to even out before the divorce is final, but she has been ordered for evaluations concerning her mental well being. I have a court date scheduled for November in which there will be a review on how things are going. I am not concerned too much about that.

As I said.. the divorce is a breeze considering what has happened in the past few weeks. That’s the only update I really have right now. I’ve been emotionally tied up with little to talk about to anyone. I have tried to appear strong in front of my kids, and I am ready to take the steps to move on.

I leave you now with a short section of one of the last journal entries my friend left the world. Please take this to heart as it are part of life lessons everyone can learn from.

“Never in a billion years would I have ever thought this would be my life. I expected to go to college, become a teacher or something, not have kids, and be healthy forever. Instead I never went to college, have no career, 4 kids,(which is the part id never take back) and I am living with cancer. My life is nothing like I thought it would be at all. But its MINE.

Why hate what you cant change, or doesnt effect you? Why be angry over problems you cant make better? So I have been making an effort to be more positive and have been trying very hard to FEEL positive. To KNOW I can or will, not just to THINK it.”

September 13, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: acceptance, death, divorce, kids, life | Leave a comment