Point of View
Ever since lent, I haven’t been eating meat. Well, except Fridays in which I can eat fish. I’ve done this before. However this time I’m having a hard time. This time, my health has not been great. I’ve been pondering it over and I can’t figure it out. The only difference I can find is, that I was not under the kind of stress back then.
I’m not going to go into what has been going on symptom-wise but I have decided to start eating meat again. I’m not going to jeopardize my health this time. I will change my diet when I am not in a position where stress is going to be affecting my health.
I have also been having my highs and lows emotion wise. I will be depressed one day and be alright the next. I keep this to myself. No one knows about the swings I get. I do have them though. Sometimes they show, sometimes I’m ok at keeping them bottled up. I’m ok with that. I just want all this divorce stuff to be over.
I got my court order back. I have to pay my ex’s attorney $1000 a month and. Pay her $150 more (on top of $712 a month for temporary support). It sucks. It really sucks. I can’t afford to live by myself anymore. I’ve been in fortunate in my living situation but I really need to become independent again. It’s one of the spikes in the back of my head that’s constantly stinging and bugging.
This weekend is my oldest daughter’s birthday. She will be turning 10. I got her the complete collection of ‘Calvin and Hobbes’. She absolutely loved it (I gave it to her early). I got it a while ago because I knew that when the court order came out, I would not be able to purchase it.
I’m actually sitting and writing this article while she is reading her book in front of me. It’s hard to conceive the notion that 10 years ago, she was born. I was in such a better position in my life than I am now. It’s still foreign to me how alienated my ex and I have become. It’s almost been a year since all this crap started and I feel like I haven’t progressed much in my life. Maybe it’s just my point of view. I don’t know.
Purposeful
Yes, she did acknowledge on purpose (at least it seems that way). It made me smile.
What do I Have to Lose?
I had an epiphany this week. A scary one at that too. I came to the realization that my wife could end up being the primary parent for the kids. I mean… There is a good chance she won’t be, but with my luck so far… I wouldn’t put it past the winds of fate so far.
I went into a mini-anxiety attack thinking about it. In turn though, it does make me appreciate them more. I have spent probably 1000% more time with them and just holding them closer. They don’t even realize the impact they have on me. Well… I think they have an idea… But still I wouldn’t know what to do if they were taken away from me.
I’ve already started putting a list together of reasons for them to stay with me as primary parent. The primary reason is, my ex still is very aggressive and even pushed me a couple weeks ago. It’s funny because ever since she did… She has been strangely nice to me.
Bringing my thoughts back… I don’t think I could stand losing the kids. I am going to fight for them. They are in an environment perfect for their growth. If they go with her, they will stunt and not use their full potential. I can’t have that. I won’t allow it. I will fight it the best I can.
Being alone as a parent is hard sometimes. I hope all this stuff is worth it in the end. It’s my only hope right now. It doesn’t seem like it is… But what else do I have to lose? Well– my kids. Otherwise.. Nothing else I suppose.
And She Waved, Purposely.
Well, we have moved our library visits to Thursday. Tuesday’s are much too busy to do them anymore. My oldest has softball practice and by the time she gets home, it’s time to do homework and shower. So… Thursday’s it is!
Not much has happened lately. Just the usual day in and day out stuff that normally occurs. I did however get my tax refund. That means that my ex got an audit. She tried to claim the kids on her taxes, however we wrote the IRS and gave them a copy of the court order. I’m sure if something happens, we will never hear about it. It’d ok though… Good riddance. Right?
I’m still reading ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’. Tomorrow I will be taking the kids to sushi with me. It will be our time, however we are meeting some friends there too. I fixed their laptop the other week when they left on a trip.
A word on this couple. They are in their mid to early twenties. They have a son together. He originally is a friend of my brother. He’s a musician and someone who relies heavily on pot. He is at a job waiting tables and he has two bachelor degrees. He’s very capable but not motivated. He also gets depressed like i did but more on that later. She is very young and a new mother too. She enjoys her son and also cannot eat gluten because of a medical condition. I think she has baby fever..secretly wanting more kids. However given the circumstances, they cannot afford to have more kids. She doesn’t work and he doesn’t pull in enough.
The reason they are significant to me is because they remind me a lot of how my ex and I used to be when my oldest daughter was born. Right down to the depression when I couldn’t find a job. I do what I can to help, but given the limited circumstances (and lack of motivation on their part), it just sucks.
The one thing though, is I am able to talk to her freely. I sort of associate myself with her being the missing person that my ex is now. We talk a lot. Almost dangerously a lot when we converse. I don’t want to sabotage anything… And I won’t. They are family friends and I am not going to do anything to destroy that. It’s just that I tend to gravitate towards her when the opportunity arises..and she reciprocates back. I know there is more than I am telling.. But that’s the jest of it. It’s just something that has to be mentioned and taken off the chest.
Moving on…well there is not much else to move on to so I guess I’ll end there.
Oh yah, yesterday, she waved…purposely. Hmm….
Sleepless Overthinking
It’s late. I cannot sleep tonight. I have too many things buzzing in my head. I guess they’ve been plaguing me all weekend.
Ever since I had that judgement against me for support, i’ve been in fear. In fear that I may lose the kids. I have been fortunate enough to have them a majority of the time. They’ve prospered greatly under my care. I’m just afraid to lose them. I have the thoughts going over and over in my head wondering what I would do. I keep wondering what I can do to prepare myself in case the issue arises and I have to fight. I know I shouldn’t be worried about things like this at this late hour. I guess I can’t help it. I’ve also been preoccupied by the amount of money I owe. I know I will have to face the issue soon. Negotiations between the two attorneys are still in effect. It’s just wasted money though. I know it, and I secretly hate it. It’s stupid.
I have also been depressed lately. It’s understandable considering the circumstances. I can’t really do anything about it. I feel like i’m stuck in a loop. I keep wondering to myself what sort of karma had put me in this situation. I keep going over the numbers and events in my life. I am wondering what I can learn from past and present events. How did things get so bad? I know all these events will end. It doesn’t feel like it. Emotions say one thing. Logic says another. I have to keep trudging. It’s hard though..but I have to be strong. I have to do it for my kids.
I don’t over think too much these days. This is the first time in many many years that I actually stayed up over thinking things. It’s not normal for me.. and I can’t tell if I am having a silent anxiety attack. That’s the only thing I think is happening to me. I don’t panic.. I just over think things. I had to take a melatonin a few minutes ago to see if I can sleep.
I just want peace in my life.
112 Reasons 