Epilogue
I had mediation yesterday. It was very quick and painless. In a nutshell, I put what I wanted on the table and my concerns. She came in and announced what she wanted on a piece of paper. In conclusion, the court will decide the fate of our kids. I am a bit concerned since both of us said we each wanted to be the primary parent of the kids. I’m just afraid the court will grant it to her. The only thing I have going for her is that I filed an emergency screening with the court and listed her as an incompetent parent. I am just not putting a lot of my faith in the court system, but I do have a bad ass attorney.
I have spending an enormous amount of time with the kids. I keep thinking what it would be like not having them. I feel so blessed to have them, it’s almost hard to explain. Even if it’s just watching tv together, it’s a blessing to have them. This weekend, if it gets cold enough in our area.. the kids and I are going to have a night where we built forts in our living room next to the fire and fall asleep. After looking at the weather, it’s not likely to happen but I think I will make it happen anyway. Gotta have forts–and make memories of them!
Last weekend, I watched ‘Fight Club’. I tend to watch that movie once every year or so. It’s a sobering movie for me. I tend to watch it when I am in a depressed state, and last weekend was no exception. Afterward, I decided to read the novel it was based off of. I’d have to say the movie is more exciting than the way the book is brought out to be. I’m about halfway though. Very interesting and worth checking out if you are a fan of the movie.
I’ve been having a hard time finding connection with anyone. I can’t talk to just anyone about everyday things.. i’m missing that intimate connection with someone. I have no one to vent to, I have no one to talk about life to. This is the hardest part about the divorce. I need to separate myself though. I need to become emotionally, spiritually and mentally independent again.. just like water evaporates from a saltwater solution to leave the salt.
I hate writing depressing posts but I can’t erase it either. I have promised myself that the backspace and delete buttons are only for correction. It makes for more interesting concepts to look back upon later on when things aren’t so bad.
Oh yah, I have not caught up to anyone’s blog posts or commented or anything. I’m very far behind. Just because I don’t write anything doesn’t mean I am not there or read it. Please understand that.
I wish I had something more inspirational to say. I do have those moments at the worst times and I can never remember them. I’ll en devour to fix that tho. I promise.
Acknowledgement
It’s been 24 years… and she acknowledged me for the first time since.
Forward Living
On Saturday, I had my first kiss outside my marriage. I have to say it was the most foreign event ever happen to me that did not seem right. Granted it was a light kiss, I didn’t progress it further. It didn’t feel right.
I can’t explain it. I am not sure if it’s me that made it feel uncomfortable. I am not sure if it was me that was unsure about things. It did not feel right.
The person I was with is an old friend. Her sister used to date my brother. We got together for some drinks on Saturday and I think she had much to drink. I drank very little because I had to drive. We caught up on many things and she started telling me about her adventures in the time we spent away.
I used to be attracted to her many years back. During that time though, I was with my ex and she was underage. It was a taboo thing, so of course it was something I didn’t give a second thought to. When my ex and I split up, she contacted me and we had been talking for a couple of months.
She told me that she wanted to do something that scared her and she kissed me. I didn’t pull back, but I didn’t progress it. Afterward, I took her home and it was obvious she wanted me to be affectionate. I couldn’t. It didn’t feel right.
If I was in that situation 10+ years ago, I probably would have not only been affectionate but had my way with her. I thought about it at length afterward and I came to the conclusion that I cannot be the person I was before I was with my ex. The opportunity arose and it gave me a chance to revert back to the way things used to be.
I can’t do that. I need to move forward. I have to root the evolution of myself that I have become. I think this opportunity is giving me the chance to decide which direction I want to go. I think I have made my choice. Maybe it wasn’t me that made it uncomfortable. Maybe it was me putting in effect the experiences I have had and a chance to actually decide what I want in my life.
Adventure Awaits
It’s the start of the New Year. I didn’t do anything crazy on the day. Well, maybe had one too many shots but I was definitely within reason and control. No drunk calling, no un-necessary actions. It turned out well.
My youngest daughter called me shortly after the New Year. I never expected her to call. Especially considering my ex makes it difficult to talk to them when they are with her. Anyway, she called and wished me a happy New Year. I chatted with her for a little bit afterward. Confirmed her and my oldest was having fun and making sure everything was alright. I spoke to my oldest afterward and wished her a Happy New Year.
My oldest was upset that we had a party without her. I can’t exactly tell her why she couldn’t be with us. Both my ex and I are not allowed to talk about court stuff to them. I reassured her that before my brother went back to teach, we would have a party. I even told her she could stay up as late as she wants.
That leaves us to today. This morning, I am picking the kids up at 10am. My brother will be coming with me and after we pick them up, we will be going out to eat. The restaurant we are going to is my brothers favorite place to go. The kids enjoy going because they enjoy his company.
After we eat lunch, we will be going to the local art museum. The kids enjoy trips like these so it will be a great day to go.No work to worry about, no deadlines, no schedules (other than the pickup). The kids don’t know we are going to the museum yet. It’s more of a surprise.
I will only have the kids for today and tomorrow. Then they go back to their mom for the rest of the week. I will pick them up Sunday morning and get them ready for the beginning of school in the new year.
Well, I am off. I woke my brother up (for the second time) just right now. Adventure awaits us.
112 Reasons 