Equals
I am not a fan of dogs. I have been attacked by them 3 times. Twice when I was little, and one extra time about 10 years ago. I’m not a fan. I tollerate a lot of dogs, but I tend to find a lot of flaws with them. They pee everywhere, they chew things up and they get into things they’re not supposed to.
My wife has a friend who has cancer. They have a family of four (including her) along with a dog. They moved out from Oklahoma because she could not get insurance out there for treatment. In our State, she will have health care thanks to our tax dollars. I don’t mean that in a bad way. She has cancer after all.
Since they moved back from Oklahoma, they are currently living in a small space. It’s barely able to fit all four family members and a dog. It happens to be a family members of theirs they are living with. They had asked my wife if we could watch their dog for a month or so until they can find their own place and settle down here.
My wife came to me hesitantly already knowledgeable with what I was going to say. She knows my dislikes, especially dogs. Even though she is a pet groomer and works with them almost everyday, she knows my toleration with them too well. Meekly, she told me the whole story and asked me if the dog could stay with us for a while until her friend could settle in. I immediately shook my head no and explained that I will not deal with another animal in our house (we have couple cats..etc).
We went back and forth and asked me to treat her as an equal. She wanted me to value her opinion as she values mine when it comes to toleration. She knows our landlord will not be a big fan of so many animals in this small area we live in. She knows I will not do well with animals.. especially a dog.
I sat and thought a moment. I thought back to the times where I would have done anything to win my wife’s affection. To make her consider me an equal when it comes to our relationship. I thought to the time when I didn’t feel the way she felt to me..even though the roles are reversed now. I thought to the time where I wanted to fight for us and not for me. The time I considered a change for me by starting this blog. It’s a time for change. Period.
I told her we would compromise and give it a trial period. Next weekend.. Friday, Saturday and Sunday we will keep the dog here to try it out. She was ecstatic to know that we are giving it a “trial” run to see how the dog reacts to our environment and especially me. We agreed that if ANYTHING went wrong, that the dog would go back to her friend immediately. After the trial period, we would review the things that went well and didn’t go well.
Basically, if the dog didn’t behave, it was game over. My wife will take the dog with her to work (since it’s obviously a pet friendly job). She had to get the details of what the dog is prone to do over time and what it’s trained and not trained to do. And the dog is apparently super potty trained. I am supposedly going to be super surprised at that. We’ll see..
It’s time for a change. That change starts with me…and compromising with my wife.
(yes I am very nervous about it.)
Meh
This weekend fell apart quickly. i was going to see my friend and a few other mutual friends last night at a club. They canceled at the last minute and decided that we would all get together today. I sent her a message and left one too. She did not respond. I am not too worked up about it.
My Wife did take the kids to visit one of her friends. She was supposed to be back many hours previous, but since my friend canceled on us, she kept them. They had a blast out playing today. I guess it was my regret that I did not go. Since we were supposed to go out, they were going to be back an hour or so after they left this afternoon. Since there was no word, they stayed out and had a good time.
I just sat here at home. Alone. I am not too worried about it. It was a nice day of doing nothing. I suppose I could have cleaned house or something, but I decided to relax. I clean the house up during the week anyway.
Tomorrow is payday. I have many bills to pay. I have to pay Car Insurance, Phone Bill and potentially save up some cash for some school books for my wife. It’s the typical beginning to a new week. I’m sitting here with nothing really to write about right now. I’m trying to squeeze juice out of a turnip. I guess I will stop here for now.
I must not run away. This is my family.
The night is quiet. It wasn’t always this way. The kids are awake and my wife is in bed. Well, the kids are in the room as well. They are being forced to go to bed. It’s 12:38am right now and I am awake.
We had a late night. It’s a Saturday night so I suppose it’s the weekend where you take advantage of the extra time you can squeeze out of the day. Some people watch tv, some people talk, and some people go out on the town to find adventures among fellow man. I choose to stay home and spend time with the family. Whether it is a good value of spending is up to fate.
Today, I had an argument with my wife. It was probably a fight that I should have avoided. I was being selfish though.. probably like anyone would be in an argument. I wanted to take the kids out for a play date tomorrow. My wife had made different plans in which to spend time with them. I should have let her win the argument. She needs to spend more time with the kids. I was arguing that I wanted to take them out with the play date. The play date I wanted to put the kids on was a play date with my friend and her kids. The friend whom I have spent time with and talked to her about my wife.
I didn’t see it at the time, but I suppose I was put in a position to decide between the two if the time arose. I failed in that venture. I chose my friend over my wife. After I was left to steam for a bit, I was able to see the bigger picture.
My wife said during our fight that we should just split up and divorce. She take the kids half the time and I take the kids half the time. During that argument, I felt like I had the opportunity to follow through. She said that the passion as left the relationship because we could never see eye to eye. It was always an argument to her. Maybe it’s because I wanted it to be that way. Maybe I have been trying to sabotage things to pursue a fantasy that is not a good idea.
In the back of my mind, I think I knew that. That is why I never took what she said seriously. Especially the splitting up part. It was only after I was left to simmer in my anger that I looked beyond what was going on and realized that she was in the right. She needed to spend time with the kids.. and I was being selfish and hiding them from her. I wanted the kids to myself. I wanted to be the protective one for the kids. I wanted to be the hero in the eyes of someone else to prove that I was a greater parent. That is where I failed.
I apologized to my wife for being a douche. I should have never picked that fight. I shouldn’t have pursued it.
It did leave me thinking though..
What if I did follow through… Would I be able to pursue relations with my ‘friend’? Wanting is different than having. I keep reminding myself of that. Plus, this is one sided thinking. I need to stop being selfish and think about the family. It’s easy to think about others. It’s always harder to work on the things you need to work on. I must not run away. This is my family.
Night of Cartoons and Sex
Jon: Well, look at that! That’s really terrific! Garfield, how did you teach Odie to do that?
Garfield: I glued his head to the table.
OMG, I almost skimped out on a post for today. Well, technically it’s the next day but I’m just going to cheat and say it’s not.
Today, my wife went out with her friend to spread the ashes of her friend’s mom at a local beach. It’s a place she said she would want to be spread when her time came. My Oldest Daughter was also out at the local Pro Basketball game with my sister. My Sister had tickets to this game for row 2 and did not want the ticket to go to waste so she asked me if she could take my Daughter. I approved.
That left me with my youngest Daughter and I to fend for tonight. She suggested that I order sushi so we could watch cartoons for the evening. I wasn’t in the mood for sushi but she was in the mood for some terryaki chicken so I ordered dinner anyway.
I have a habit of ordering more sushi than I can handle and today was no exception. My daughter enjoyed her chicken while I stuffed myself silly on some fish and rolls. It was a great dinner. During that time, we had a ‘Garfield & Friends’ marathon. We watched episode after episode until the full weight of the food kicked in. I started falling asleep.
It was semi-disappointing because by the time my daughter was tired of watching cartoons, she woke me up so we could continue tonight. She wanted me to play dolls (she calls it pretend) with her. It’s something my wife will not do, however I have no problem playing with some dolls with her. She loves it when I join in. My problem tonight was.. I was tired.
I had a long day driving over 200 miles for work today. I got home, ate and I was tired. So I fell asleep after dinner.
When she woke me up, it was well past 10pm so I told her that it was late and I was really tired. She turned to me and told me she was tired too. She curled up beside me and before I knew it, she was passed out. We may have had a shorter day than expected, but she was happy we spent it together. I was happy too. I will play some dolls with her in the morning. She enjoys it and I enjoy spending time with her.
My Wife had come in sometime while we were asleep. It may have been sometime around midnight or so. The phase of me being asleep mixed with her grabbing hangars from the closest didn’t mix well. My brain didn’t want to put the scene together so I turned around and went back to sleep. I think she was doing the laundry but I can’t confirm that right now.
I woke up, and we shared our day together with each other and caught ourselves up to what was going on in each others lives. I told her about my evening watching cartoons and spending time with my Daughter. She told me about her trip with her friend to the beach and the emotional time doing what they needed to.
She has since gone to bed and I am here very tired now. I spent over an hour writing this in my groggy state.
I do not intend to edit any of what I have written. I never do anyway. I hate reviewing my work and reading this blog may be a headache sometimes. I write how I speak and I don’t intend to change. I am not going to go back and review it. Otherwise I may end up deleting things I don’t want to and that doesn’t make for good writing.. right?
Too Bad, I edited it.
More Random Thoughts
The home front is quiet. It’s almost too quiet. I’ve been keeping myself busy though with nothing important. I suppose I am just waiting for my emotions and feelings to change into something that rivals Batman’s cave. I am trying not to hold my breath. I take the time and run diagnostics on my mind and feelings. I sit and do a self conscious “how am I feeling today” question that bounces in my brain for a minute or so. Everything has turned up fine. I won’t complain.
“I wish I was the messenger and all the news was good.”
My wife has been very family oriented lately. Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t been dark lately. We watched a movie together the other night and talked foreign politics afterward. She is not up to date on World events, so I told her about the Egypt revolt occurring at this time. We spent a lot of “us” time together. It’s been only a few days, but things seem to be moving up and up.
I have also started talking to an old friend. She lives half a country away, but she is someone I knew since she was 15. She used to have a crush on me, but I was many years her senior. Things never happened between us, but more than a decade later, we have remained friends. The only thing is.. I am sure if the chance ever came, I am sure she would like something more than friends. I have kept things between us very civil and she has respected that. I know that at least she is someone I can speak to. We both has a genuine respect for each other given our status and situations.
A while back, she had recommended a book by Augusten Burroughs called Dry. I had downloaded the audio book and listened to the whole story within a few days. It’s something I recommend for casual reading. I got hooked at some point so casual i’m sure will turn into obsessive. Some books are like that with me. Not all. If you do decide to get it, or at least the audio book, I recommend getting the audio book read by the author. He goes into the voices quite well.
Another random thought.. music has been working it’s way back into my rotation. I subscribe to the Zune service and I have been downloading the music I used to listen to religiously back in the day. I don’t remember everything, but I am doing my best to do a little research into what some of those songs used to be. It’s nice getting back to basics.
Random Thoughts of a Dreamer
I have a meager life. It’s small, but it’s mine. I love where I live, but sometimes I yearn to live else where. I don’t hate it here. I used to travel the country years ago. I suppose I just miss it.
I have family on the Eastern, Western and Southern ends of the United States. No matter where I used to go, I enjoyed it. I am not sure if it’s the family ties I enjoyed or the country land itself. It’s tough to discern the difference. I guess that is why I love erratic weather so much. When traveling across the country, you come across it. When you ran into a storm, you knew you were out of your own element and traveling to a destination filled with family ties and welcome.
I always imagined what it would be like to spend my life with someone who had a strong accent to a land that I find myself settling in. It always seemed out of place for me, but at the same time, it was within reach. Almost as if I lived that kind of past life without grasping it fully. My mind thinks up strange ideas sometimes.
One place that I have never been but always wanted to visit, is New York. It always seems a place of mystery, yet full of life. Even now, I rotate pictures of downtown New York on my computer as a desktop background. It’s the closest thing I have right now to being there. Although it’s a half a hemisphere away, it seems almost within touch. I want to know what it’s like to hear the busy street at night. To look out the window in the middle of the night and have the horizon glow with the lights and life of the city. Maybe it’s just a way of me wanting to experience another life or maybe missing another life that is previously unknown.
Alas, i’m just someone who likes to dream and think and yearn a little bit. I like where I am. I like the position I am in. Sometimes, i’m just a dreamer.
Time Spent
I had been feeling so depressed. I suppose the posts I have been writing show that. Today, however I have been more awake emotionally and physically. Sure, it may have something to do with the sex last night, but I think it’s more because my wife and I actually had some “Us” time.
I advise anyone who can see this… please read this article…
“I Let My Kids Take My Sex Life”
It is the most informative article I have read in a long time. I am still trying to fully take advantage of the advise in the article, but I know that takes time.
Last night after my wife and I finished our tryst, we actually say down and started talking for an hour or so. It was nice because for the first time in a long long time, we caught up with each other. We spoke philosophy, we spoke life, we spoke past and future comings. It was nice to enjoy her company even though I was tired. It was well worth it.
Taking the time to get the kids to bed, to spend with our spouses and actually spend time together is so essential for things to work. When people don’t care to take the time to enrich each others lives, things get muddled and even miss-communicated. People start assuming things and thoughts overwhelm the brain. Just a few minutes to hours spent can make the difference.
I feel content today. I am very reluctant to take in these feelings for real. I have felt this way before but not before something happens or something is revealed. It’s during that time, that I sink into a depression again and start pondering my thoughts again. I know I don’t want that to happen, but I have to take it with a grain of salt.
I am Ashamed and Lonely
I am ashamed.
I am ashamed to think that my wife would change literally overnight. I am ashamed to know I was wrong in something I thought was so sincere. I saw it coming, however I put myself on too high a pedestal and just waited for myself to fall. I feel ashamed because I don’t know how else to feel.
My wife came home almost 3 hours after she said she was going to come home. I had put high expectations for her to come home. I went to bed later than usual. I expected her to come back home a few minutes after I was to lay down in bed. I fell asleep, only to wake up to her coming in hours later and stoned. I queried her about where she had been and asked her about coming home earlier. She flat out said “I forgot….sorry.”
I laid back down and tried to go back to sleep. i couldn’t. My body had it’s power nap, and I was tossing and turning for most of the night. When I did fall asleep, I promptly was woken up a couple hours later. I hate lack of sleep. It isn’t affecting me too much this morning.
I am missing my wife. I don’t know which aspect I miss.. maybe just the companionship. Maybe it’s the need to talk to her. She doesn’t have us on a priority. She doesn’t put our relationship on any important stance. I try to make our relationship a first priority. Both of us need to be on the same page. When that doesn’t happen, things fall apart. I think I am just lonely. Maybe it’s just lack of sleep. I can’t decide.
Working Together
I spoke to my wife today. Before she was leaving to take care of some errands this morning, I asked her if she wanted to be with me. At first she told me she moves back and forth. She didn’t know because when we first started out together, she was very sure of herself. Now that things are years beyond from the beginning, she knows things have changed.
She got emotional briefly, then continued. She said she thinks about all the things she has done and weighed it carefully. She is very undecided and can’t imagine the way things would be if we were ever separated. The kids, the life and everything we have built together. She told me the roles had been reversed and now it was me who was making a decision to be without her. She knew it was inevitable considering the way she has acted. A tear welled up in her eye as she looked away. She didn’t finish her thought. She had to leave.
During the time she was out, I took the kids out to enjoy the nice day. We played with dandelions and looked for 4 leaf clovers (we know of a patch that is full of them). We also played at the local park (different one from the other day). The kids enjoyed the day mostly, but it was time to go home. During my time out with the kids, I was able to reflect a lot of our conversation. Our life and the kids well being. I know they are built to be resilient, however as a parent you always want to shelter them from the world. I know it’s not always possible. But you try.
I arrived home and my wife was there to greet us. We were going out to dinner tonight, so I had the kids wash up and get ready. I laid in the bed for a moment. My wife came in and sat next to me. She held me tight. It’s the way she holds me when she is trying to be sincere and open to me. It’s the time I rarely see, but when it happens, I must give my attention. It’s usually a rare moment for her.
She told me she reflected upon the things between us. She said she wants us to work together. We need to fix things as a team. She knows she hasn’t been the best, but she wants to be there. She said she knows that I am sensitive to the way she treats me. She is shamed by the way she is selfish at times and wants to work on it. She knows that when she turns me away, she hurts me by keeping me distant. She wants to fix that, together. Isn’t that what it’s about?
She is downstairs right now talking with our good neighbor. She brought up this Mexican fruit drink that she enjoys but I don’t have a strong opinion either way. I told her I was going to go to bed since I have to be up in the morning. She was going back downstairs to loan a mineral she has for clearing up skin rashes. She said she might wake me if I go to bed. I had no response.
Ugh
..and my ending today couldn’t be so wrong.
We came home and my wife disappeared. It took a couple hours and a forgotten phone to realize she went to the neighbors house. She returned and said she was stuck there chatting and what not. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t cook dinner an hour previous. That was the most upsetting. I guess it was to be expected. Things almost never change when it comes to her.
I guess it was more upsetting when I spoke to my wife when she arrived. I asked her what she wanted to do tonight. She said she was unsure and I implied that we spend time together as a family with a hint of something after the kids went to bed. She looked at me with a look of ‘I’m not going to talk about this’, and avoided conversation with me and disappeared again for the evening.
Usually when things turn out that way, she is literally trying to avoid me because of reasons I wont approve of. Those would be doing drugs, getting drunk or similar activities while leaving the kids with me to baby sit while she is out.
That put me in a foul mood for the evening. I retreated with the kids to play while she was gone. The kids eventually found their way into a movie. During that time, I spent some time on the computer. My wife eventually returned home with out neighbor and their dog. She bathed the dog and finished not too long ago. She asked me to go and say hi to the neighbor, but I refused. She asked why I refused to say anything to the neighbor and my response was basically I didn’t want to talk about it. I got a look of spite back but at this point I didnt care.
As I mentioned previously, I don’t like our neighbor anymore. She lost my respect after dragging this family down with her activities and convincing my wife to join her. She is helpless out of choice and doesn’t move to improve herself. She lives off of welfare and thinks the government owes for her problems.
This kind of thinking really bothers me. My wife has that sort of mentality however she knows that don’t like those who don’t help themselves out of choice.
I know at some point my wife will ask what is wrong and why I won’t talk to our neighbor. I am going to give it to her straight and an argument will happen. Its inevitable. My wife likes our neighbor. I don’t.
If you have the ability to help yourself, you better fucking do it. The government does not owe you because you have a drinking problem. The government doesn’t owe you because you won’t get help. That is your problem.
I may update again if things happen. Otherwise I’ll move on to a new day to write about. Oh yah, with that look my wife gave me, I can almost guarantee no sex tonight for me.
On a side note, I’ve been holding back in my posts. I don’t mean to, it’s just habit from my other blogs. I will endeavor to fix that.
Just an Update for the Day
This morning was pretty uneventful. I got up late (late for me is around 9am). I did a load of laundry since we were running low on some clothes. After the laundry load was complete, I showered and made breakfast. My wife got a call this morning to go into work since she was on call. She ignored it. She did not get up nor go to work because she wanted to sleep in. It was annoying considering it’s her only source of income. She talked to me today about getting a specialty dryer for her grooming (she works as a dog groomer). She also asked me to help her buy her books for school since she said she didn’t have any money. I was aggravated because she slept in without giving a thought about going into work. I am not a bank who gives out loans. I’m a human being who pays bills. It’s just the way it is. I dropped the conversation at that point. I wanted to avoid a fight.
Other than that, It has been a positive day so far. We went out and took the kids to play at a local park. My wife had started messing around on her phone until I intervened and asked her to involve herself with the kids. She poked at me for checking my phone briefly when we arrived but we both dropped the situation. The kids enjoyed themselves and especially enjoyed having their mom to play along with them. It was very refreshing and having the family together again for play time was very cool.
That’s about it for now. I have to go find something to make for dinner and so far, it’s grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. It’s what they voted for. We’ll see what I can whip up.
Dancing the Line with Wishful Thinking
I visited my friend today. What was supposed to be a half hour visit turned into an hour and a half. I always feel like I can talk to her forever. It’s just the personalities we have. It’s the way we have always been.
During that time, we talked about our week and random other things. Among them were our drug usage from days back, relationships and other various odds and ends. In a way, we were catching up.. again. She’s always so open and candid about many things. She knows that the crap I deal with when it comes to my wife shouldn’t have to be dealt with. After all, she did suggest that I just leave.
Right now things are good with my wife. She’s actually talking to me. She’s very civil and actually doing.. good! It’s so funny because after all that has happened, I still don’t feel 100% committed to her anymore.
Whenever I felt this way before (in past relationships). It’s has been a feeling and attitude of me trying to break up with my girlfriend. I would start to cut myself off and be rude at times. It was my way of breaking things off. It’s been so long since i’ve felt this way or even done it, that I didn’t recognize it. It was only after visiting my friend today that I realized what I was doing.
I wouldn’t go as far as to cheating, but if the opportunity arose, I would probably dance the line. I wouldn’t do anything that could be pinned on me, but at the same time to my wife, it would not be appreciated. Hell.. just visiting my friend was bad enough in my wife’s book. Even my friend said she would be good when it comes to our friendship. It was only until I retorted with “I didnt’ say I was going to be good” that I rose the dust up a bit.
Dancing the line has always been my thing. At least it was in the past. This time around, I don’t feel fully committed anymore, so I feel I can freely dance the line. I have never cheated on my wife. She is the only one who has been unfaithful. At least I feel I am in a position that I am not vulnerable anymore. I think that is what is the most important to me right now. Knowing there are open options.
Don’t get me wrong, my friend is, in my opinion, hot. We’ve just always been offset so nothing has ever happened between us. We spoke of it jokingly.. probably testing the waters during that time. I am sure she appreciates the fact that I admire her. She does keep her distance though. It’s probably a good thing but I sure would love to test those waters one of these days. Just for kicks anyway.
I could say I wish my wife never made me feel unwanted, but then again, it makes me wonder if I could live like the way I used to a decade ago. Just wishful thinking.
My Head’s Algorithm
Patience is a virtue. They claim that anyway. I don’t care to think of it as such but more of a discipline. I have not mastered that and my actions have proven that. I am patient with some things and with others, I am annoyed. Teaching myself to slow down is a part of change that I need to think about moving forward. My brain thinks broadly and very fast.
When I worked on any programming algorithm or math problem in the past, I have to encompass the whole formula in my mind. I have to see all the moving parts and every aspect of the problem in my mind and have it worked out. If I only had part of the issue, I would attempt to fit the whole thing in my head. Failure to do so would result in frustration. Rarely would I have to work on a problem in pieces. My mind did not work that way. It’s just the way I am.
When I do work on an issue, I have to have a resolution almost immediately. If I didn’t have a resolution, I had to make a decision fast. Decision making (for me) was developed almost a decade ago when I received my black belt in martial arts. Decision making not based on whether you were wrong or right, but rather making an actual decision. That also meant you had to accept the responsibility of your actions.
These two qualities always spell a disaster for me. When something goes wrong in the relationship with my wife, I have to encompass the whole situation in my head. Based on that I would automatically make a decision and based on that I would make the wrong one. That would involve me starting an argument or saying something that would push buttons and leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.
I am endeavoring to change that. I want to be more rational, patient and take more time to decide my fate in things. Being impatient and not thinking about my decisions are not helping things. I need to be more proactive in helping situations become more positive and avoid making stupid and rash decisions. That is my goal.
Good Evenings
This evening has been good. Well, I’ve had a killer headache all evening but it’s been positive. My wife and I are treating each other with respect. It’s really nice considering we’ve been at each other’s throats all week. I guess I’m just tired of throwing all this negative energy at her or using it to wall myself off from her. It’s refreshing.
My friend recommended a band to me called ‘The Heavy’. It’s a nice funky old school sounding band that is really good. I recommend checking them out for a listen. I downloaded their recent 2 albums and will be checking them out further.
I wanted to mention that I am writing on this blog as part of the ‘Post a Day’ thing that WordPress started. I plan to go for the whole year or close to writing everyday as part of a challenge to myself. Since this is anonymous, I find that I have no problem writing about anything. Makes me feel free. The kind of free I’ve always wanted to do in a blog.
If you can read this, once again…thanks 🙂
I Apologized
I called my wife and apologized for being a jerk. This morning I was being mean and spiteful even though there was no good reason to be. I try to rationalize why I was in the first place. But when it comes down to it, I don’t need to be shooting negativity into the family. I have a part in that and chose the lower ground. Not this time. I apologized and I did choose to endeavor into making a change this year. I hope I can keep a positive one. Then again I created this blog to vent my negative frustration. We’ll see how far being positive goes. I was positive for well over 2 years.. it got me no where. Once again..we’ll see.
My daughter still has an ear infection. I took her to the doc this morning and verified it was still there. She got a new round of anti-biotic meds to take. It sucks, but I have to play Dad and help her out. I also have to look into getting my other daughter into my Medical Insurance. Her other insurance appears to have run out so I have to look into adding her to mine. It’s a mess.
I have a headache right now. It’s the throbbing kind that doesn’t go away easily. I think it may be a caffeine headache, but I am unsure at this point. I’m unsure all together considering it’s annoying right now.
Morning Comes
Morning comes, and I find myself calling into work letting them know I won’t be in for half the day.
My wife was supposed to take the kids to a doctors appointment this morning. Instead, she is asleep and apparently on call for work. It’s definitely not confirmed she is working at all, but I have to take time off work because she ‘might’ work. That excuse doesn’t make sense to me. I think it’s more the fact that she wanted to sleep in.
When I woke the kids up this morning, she seemed bothered (or relieved) that I opted to take the kids to the doctors. She said she planned to reschedule the appointment for Friday morning (tomorrow).
The reason I opted to do it this morning is because I knew if she didn’t take them on monday because she wanted to sleep in, what is preventing her from doing that tomorrow morning?
Doesn’t make sense to me, so I took the morning off to get the kids to the doctors. No more excuses. If my wife wants to sleep in, fine. Don’t interrupt our family’s life because you are too lazy to get up in the morning.
Oh yah, she is taking one of neighbors to rehab today. I don’t understand how she skips out on the kids doctors appointment but is able to take someone else to rehab. I think it’d important to want to help people like that, but it appears that priorities are screwed up here. Both could be done, but skipping out on the kids is not cool.
How Fast the Mood Changes
Right now, we are playing the collection of Beatles songs. I’m laying in bed with the iPad playing music while my wife and the kids are eating sausages in bed. The kids are enjoying themselves and surprised I’m letting them eat at this hour. They were supposed to be in bed almost an hour ago. I know they are going to be cranky in the morning, but they never get to spend time with their mom. I’m going to let them indulge in mommy time.
My wife and I haven’t really spoken since that day she called me a liar. I haven’t made an effort to talk to her and vice versa.
Oops a fight just broke out with the kids. The kids are arguing over who get blamed for what. My wife just sided with my oldest daughter about how my youngest always interrupt their arguments. My youngest is crying right now because she doesn’t remember her argument against my oldest and is frustrated.
As I was saying, my wife and I haven’t spoken to each other since the argument. Right now, we are acting more of roommates than husband and wife. She has nothing to contribute to us and I am not giving any part of myself to her because it’s always used against me. The evening is almost over and there are no real developments behind us. We are both stalemated. In honor of my defense, I tried finding out how her day was today, but she was lack luster in what I had to say.
My youngest daughter just ran out in a fit of jealousy because my wife sided with my oldest daughter. More fires to put out. The music is off now, the good mood is over. How fast the mood changes in 15 minutes.
We are Wrong
Random thought at 9pm. I am learning to discard the baggage my wife has put on me over the past few years. She made me feel like I was the only person I could get.
However upon connecting with old friends, she has quickly changed that thought into our marriage. She has improved and put herself in a position where she is improving herself and making strides of change, for the good.
She takes me into consideration more, however I wish she would involve herself with the kids more. The kids need parental interaction to grow and find their place in life. Their mom is a crappy role model for how to behave. I hope the kids are keen to recognize ‘what not to do’ if life. I think my oldest daughter knows. My youngest daughter doesn’t.. At least not yet.
This still doesnt excuse her behavior towards me at times and I feel this will be our undoing. The battles between us are harsh and both of us are too stubborn to admit we are wrong.
Hate Filled Mornings
I split this post into 2 parts. The first part is “A Little History“. I split it into 2 parts because the first part sort of took a life of it’s own. This second part has nothing to do with the first, other than an overview.
This morning I was getting ready to head out with the kids and take them to school. My Wife came in to talk to me about my Mom’s values. She mentioned thoughts that I didn’t remember off hand. She asked me if I remembered how My Mom valued Obama’s values. I looked at her funny and told her that my Mom despises Obama and just about anything he touches. My wife immediately got aggravated at me and called me a liar.
Calling me a liar in the morning does not sit with me well, however I brushed it off. She then continued talking about it and although what she said struck a familiar chord, I still didn’t remember my Mom saying she valued Obama’s values. I told her that I didn’t remember a conversation like that and it didn’t sound like my Mom. My wife immediately started yelling at me that I was a liar and I was purposefully lying so I can put my family in a light. That light being that I can forgive my Mom for being a ‘hater’ and not forgive my wife for talking about her past boyfriends or cheating on me multiple times. Now that struck a chord.
My parents raised me to treat others with values of equality. Even if my Mom doesn’t share those values at heart, she taught me how to treat others. I do that to the best of my ability. When my wife comes at me regarding her treatment *OF* me, I feel she doesn’t have the right to tell me otherwise. My wife hurt me in the past and I have let that go. Sure, it hurts and I don’t want to talk about it. I avoid confrontation and I pick my fights. Why doesn’t she understand that talking about it doesn’t make me feel better (i’ve told her this, she knows it).
She hurt me. My Mom didn’t hurt me. These are apples and oranges. Equality doesn’t stand in the same light as hurting your spouse. Am I wrong? Please if I am, enlighten me. My wife didn’t enlighten me. She calls me a liar and says that I am not as forgiving with her as my Mom.
I had time to brew about the words spoken. I am still baffled about how the conversation turned to her and why I avoid conversation with her and her old boyfriends / partners. Shouldn’t wives or husbands avoid hurting each other? I don’t like stupid fights like this in the morning. Makes me think divorce is a better option than dealing with hate filled mornings.
I left the house without another word.
A Little History…
My Mom is a hardcore Republican. She gave me the values of a Liberal though. How does that happen? Go figure. When election time came around, she obviously was against Obama and everything he stood for. No ‘Ifs’, ‘ands’ or ‘buts’. My Dad is a Republican too. However, when the Presidential Elections came around he voted for Obama. My family is even more mysterious.
My Mom grew up in the South. When I say south, i’m talking about Texas. She has a view that I have never seen before, at least until a while ago. He has a deep hidden discrimination towards others that I didn’t understand. For example, she says that the only reason Obama was elected was because he was ‘Black’. She even went as far as telling my sister that she would be ‘disowned’ if my sister ever dated or married a ‘Black’ man. Those were her words. I don’t understand it. This is why…
When I was growing up, I was taught to treat everyone equally. My Mom taught me values that no matter the persons look, ability or status, we all stand equal. Although my Mom cheated at times and put me higher to make me feel better, she taught me those values. (When I saw I was put higher, she did everything within her power to ensure I was happy..even if it meant I got chocolate milk in the morning). My cousin married an African decent man, and my Mom disapproves of it. This individual is one of the funniest guys I met, yet my Mom already put a judgment against him. When I hear these things I am left baffled. What am I supposed to do with these conflicting reports?
My Dad grew up near Tennessee so he has the ‘country boy’ ideology. He has also been a Manager at different high profile companies that deal with a range of people. He does not hold reservation about people like my Mom does. He treats everyone as an equal in both mind and in person. He is the guy I believe I represent more than my Mom. It’s nothing personal, it’s just my personality. That’s the way I am. Period.
I’m a Jerk Who Has Rent to Pay
I’m such a jerk. I feel like an ass on top of that. Here is my morning story…
My wife spent over $100 on common household items like towels, mats, etc. It’s common stuff one would not think that we would need, however she purchased it. She gets in moods where she feels she has to spend money just to satisfy her kick of “I spent money!” (she gets those every now and then).
When evening rolled around, she asked me if she could borrow money to go to the doctor this morning. I looked at her blankly. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew it was going to start a fight. I thought in my head, “How can you spend X amount of dollars then ask to borrow money for the doctors the next day?” Priorities don’t seem right here. She asked me again and I told her no. I continued to mention that I haven’t budgeted any money for the end of this month yet since bills are due. My Daughters then offered to let her borrow cash (which I hate with a passion, but no one listens to me anyway about my opinion). She accepted and the discussion ended there.
This morning, I was reassigning bills and getting everything sorted. I took our Zune service and moved the subscription to the yearly service to save $24 during the year. I mentioned it to my wife this morning. She got upset at me because she originally thought I canceled the service (She loves the Zune network). When she got clarification on what I changed the subscription to, then she asked how I could spend that kind of money when she has a doctors appointment I could have loaned her money on.
I thought about this for a minute. Upon saving money for the year, she is within her right to think these things. In this instance, I was the one being a jerk in not loaning her the money. Maybe she was right… I suppose, because I wanted to be more stubborn and prove a point than help her out. In a way, I guess it back fired on me. That’s what I get for being a jerk.
Afterward this morning, she continued by trying to start a fight with me. She asked why I was being a penny pincher and canceling services. I wasn’t going to feed that monster. She does not contribute a penny to my bills, yet I didn’t want to start it this morning. It’s a beast to start a conversation regarding money with her. She doesn’t work many hours these days and she expects me to keep a quality of life that our budget can’t support. She knows this deep down, however I feel she just takes me and our services for granted. I am not budging on our money situation. I have rent to pay.
Drag Down
I don’t consider myself narcissistic at all. Every time I even have a picture taken of me, I almost shy away. it’s not that I want to be that way, I just never wanted to be labeled at such.
I see others taking pictures of themselves and retake pictures to make themselves appear better. I don’t judge them on that. It’s just something I don’t care to do.
Posting on this blog has made me hit that nerve. This blog has made me double think about things that are centered on things I do. Considering most if not all posts I do on this blog are on my life, it has made me look upon the things I do and think. I have come to this conclusion. I need to rethink some of the things I do.
I have been given the opportunity to fix things. This opportunity was provided to me by making me looks at things closer. By writing about my day, I have to reflect upon everything and decide if I did the right thing, or even reacted the right way.
I spent most of today away from my wife and with my family. My wife went to pick up our neighbors son. It’s one of those situations where she is obligated to help her because the neighbor is down in life. If only they worked to improve on their life. That is my silent judgement though.
I know I am not one to judge, but this neighbor affects our family by dragging us down. I made a conscious effort not to give her a hug. I used to hug her and say hi. I used to have a high respect for her. After continuous let down and dragging my wife down, I don’t respect her at all. She knows it. I’m tired of her and what she does to my wife and family.
We did other things today, however I am not going to write about it. Trust me, it was a good thing, but if I write about it.. It will compromise my cloak.
I have also started some drafts of other posts on random topics. I’m actually looking forward to posting them. It will be thoughts I have never spoke of. Just the way it’s turned out.
No Smoking
Today was not a good day with my wife. It all started because my wife decided to quit smoking today. I suppose it was half expected, but it still wasn’t good.
I was feeling a bit depressed to start out with so I suppose it was a recipe for disaster. I tried to keep my composure and be calm. It mostly worked. It started when my wife went to look at a house for rent. We don’t need to rent a house. She was curious and wanted to see. I saw it as a waste of time. She said she just wanted to know. I calmed myself from this frustration.
Then we went to the library to do something different. That was pretty uneventful. I spent my time looking for meet up groups for D&D. I haven’t done a campaign in years and i was curious to see what sort of meet up groups were around our area.
Afterwards, we went to the mall where my wife decided to sing in the car before we left. She asked my opinion about her singing and I told her that I had no opinion. She got offended by that saying that I thought it was horrible and an argument ensued. I wanted to go home however my daughter who was witness wanted us to have family time. We resolved our differences but I kept myself quiet and reserved. I didn’t want anymore problems. My wife kept poking at me trying to start a fight throughout our visit, but I kept ignoring it.
In the end, we stayed separated doing our own thing while the other was doing whatever activity they wanted. My wife opted to surf ‘I Can Haz Cheezeburger’ while I played Warcraft. My daughter watched a movie and it turned out pretty quiet.
On a side note, I was reading my other blog and the things I wrote there are very reserved. I hold a lot of things back. Here, since this is so anonymous, I write a lot more and openly. I like it. It’s refreshing to write when I know it doesn’t matter.
112 Reasons 