Just a Nice Evening
A lot has happened. Most of it is irrelevant to many situations so I will leave it out for now.
Yesterday, the kids were visiting with the ex. During that time, she had promised them that they would go to the arcade that afternoon as soon as she had finished work. I arrived at the arcade and they were no where to be found. When she did arrive, they were noticeably late. Also the kids were upset that she was unable to take them on time to the arcade. The kids and I had made a previous arrangement. She begged me to let them go into the arcade so she could spend time with them.
I relented.
For the first half hour, I waited for them while reading my book. She came out afterward and told me that the kids wanted me in there so they could hang out with me as well. I went in and spent time with the kids while my ex was with them as well. Well.. It was more of one being with one and the other parent being with the other.
At the end of the evening, the kids had their fill of electronic stimulus (myself included), and we left. The evening turned out pretty good for both parties, it also reflects on the fact that it was the first time that my ex and I hang out in the same room for an extended period of time without fighting. I noticed it. She did as well. It was sobering and nostalgic to think of the family we had and will never happen again. Well, it won’t be soon to have another situation like that.
She txt’ed me a thank you as we headed home.
I reflect back upon it and in a sobering sense, I’m glad things are over. I know it sounds like I liked the evening…and I did… I just remember all the horrible things the kids and I have been through. I tolerated her that evening while not thinking of our situation. But I have not forgotten how I was treated and how she treated the kids as well. It was just a nice evening.
Prologue
Alright…here’s whats been going on (in a nutshell..no one wants me to ramble on forever)…
I filed for divorce and served my wife with papers. During that time, we were rotating the kids back and forth between us. I had them a majority of the time considering she could not handle the emotions of the situation. When I returned and gathered a majority of my clothes and things, she tried to convince us to get back together. I immediately rejected the idea since she was still doing the same ol’ “insult” and “yell” thing with me. She tried to convince me she would change, but I wasn’t having it.
In the meantime, the rent was not being payed on our place, so she received an acquit (pay up or get out). She obviously could not pay so an eviction is in progress.
Also, she has refused to return the kids or let me see them so I filed for custody and other paperwork. Basically she told me that since I did not have a court order, I could not see the kids. I immediately filed and she was served this past Friday afternoon.
She is pretty much closing things on herself. We tried to work things out. She said we should negotiate but it had to be on her terms. I told her I don’t respond to demands since that is not negotiation. She wants me to pay rent for our place and bills and such, however I am not. I am legally bound to keep services going but that’s it. This Tuesday, I should have a judgement from the court to see if I can get my kids and see them again. That is what my stress is based on this past week.
I know this explanation sounds like it’s a half-assed explanation..but that’s just because it is. I am not going to document every tiny thing that has happened. But in a nut shell, she still yells at me, she blames me for everything and it’s all my fault. Whatever the case, I have an attorney and I need to get this over with.
It’s time to move forward.
It Begins (again)
Today, my wife was supposed to drop off the kids. When queried her about it, she told me that I was not going to see the kids without a court order.
I half expected this. On Monday, she was served with an eviction notice. She called me that day insulting me and trying to bully me into working an agreement on her terms. My terms were non-negotiable.
My attorney has taken the information down on what she has done and told me she plans to file on Friday for a court order. It’s nerve racking. I’m being impatient with the process.
I know I need to bring everything up to date since things last happened here. I will. Right now, I am using this as a vent and history time line for me. You just get to participate right now in that.
Anyway, I feel better since I spoke to my aunt today. She reassured me that what I am doing is right. My wife has shot herself in the foot many times. She is backed in a corner though. That’s why she is squirming.
I didn’t want this. She didn’t expect this. She set herself up for it. She isn’t doing things the legal way. I am.
Dear [my name],
thank you for calling me and letting me you know you still love me. it’s good to hear those words. I am at your mercy. I can’t be mean anymore. let me know what I can do….to help you feel more comfortable.
and a lot of the things I said when we had the big blow out the other day? was just complaining. I don’t care about those things the umm…bedroom stuff. they are really not what matters…love and affection. and besides, I was quite satisfied when we were in love and the way we had sex. it didn’t matter what we did or didn’t do, everything was satisfying. we all have boundaries in what pleases us and what doesn’t, and like i said, it’s a non-issue.
the issue i have with us is mostly me. you know that quote i told you about the other day about how “If you always do what you’ve always done, your’re always gonna get what you’ve always got?” That’s me and what I’m up against. I’ve taken part in habits my whole life that have gotten me dissatisfying results. I’m not saying it’s all bad, so much has been good. I need help seeing the brighter side. medications won’t solve this. it may make it easier to deal while making certain transitions, but too often people stop there. At medication juncture. I Didn’t stop to look at all those habits of being that were making me unhappy in the first place and then actively seeking to change them…I dunno….but then if i looked at the good things in stead of the negative…being appreciative of the people in my life…maybe I would have found more success. And by that I mean those feelings of happy, certainty, and joy. Those things that motivate me out of bed every morning.
It’s Been a While
It’s Been a While.. and it’s been kind of nice. Well not at home mostly.. but taking a break from writing and brooding.
I have been writing with expectations that I would get things off my chest. And while that has been working for me, it’s been redundant. I hate being redundant. We all know that I don’t have the best relationship in the world, but I hate writing the same thing over and over again.
For example, I get yelled at, put on the hook and even blamed on (cause my wife got fired for not waking up for work last week — true story). We all know where it goes, but it all comes down to being the same old thing. I opted to just not write about it anymore. It happens and not much changes after that. I still haven’t had sex with my wife in 2 months and she still has no effort in loving or caring about me. She’s a roommate ..remember?
I’d like to write more about good stuff, but I don’t have any good stuff to write about. Strike that.. lemme backtrack a tad..
Remember my friend? The one who I spend time with every now and then. Yah..she got back with her ex husband and came to me because things weren’t working out between them. She said she would rather have me around than him. Interesting twist non-the-less. I try not to interrupt her life much, but I do get to see her every week or so just to chat.
I have an ex girlfriend whom came to my daughter’s b-day party last weekend with her son. She is not working out with her boyfriend and we met again last night to have the kids play together.
I don’t think the Universe is lining things up for me (I would know), but in either case.. it’s good to know I haven’t been forgotten. I’ve been trying to remake the ties with my old friends. Especially the ones whom I have lost contact with over the years. I need to get back to basics. Friendship. I need to know I am still alive because I feel like a hollow shell sometimes when I am at home.
(Interrupted..she just called)
Anyway, things are not bad at the house right now. They’re not the best either. We just kind of exist right now. I am tired of existing. I am ready to live my life. This is the first step.
Standoff
There has been a standoff. Well..by me mostly. With each passing day, I feel like i’m being a jerk. I keep reminding myself that I am proving a point. It’s been so long though, I think I have proven my point. Almost.
My Wife has apologized to me twice. She has even apologized for the little snappy things she has said to me. I have ignored all those apologies and spit on them in front of her. I tell her that things are not going to change. They never have. Everytime she has apologized, she turns around and does the same thing over and over. It’s the way it’s always been with her.
A couple years ago, I used to be that lazy guy that never did anything around the house. I never even payed attention to the kids. My wife gave me an ultimatum. She told me to change or GTFO. That time in which I did the things I was needed to do. It also allowed me to see what I was missing in regards to my kids. I missed about a year of their life, but now I am eating up every minute. I changed because I had to if I wanted things to keep going. Now, the roles are revered. This time, she doesn’t want to change. My Wife would rather wallow in her own misery than deal with the life she has before her. I already told her to GTFO.
She has yet to respond. It also makes me wonder if she is going through a changing period. After all, she has picked up a lot of slack. She cooks, she cleans and even plays with the kids. Yet her need to insult me hasn’t changed much, but her apologies have.
I still feel she won’t love me the way she says she wants to love me. It’s natural for her to lie just to get her own way. She will say anything to achieve whatever her demands are. The thing is… I can’t tell if I am the jerk here.
so… I have been civil with her. I don’t give her more attention than is warranted. I answer her questions and I don’t give her the time of day otherwise. It’s not like I am missing anything otherwise. If I was not getting any attention in any regards to our lives then .. why should I worry about it now. I am not bending over backward for her now. I’m done.
It still continues…
Here is sit the morning after…
My wife has a friend who lives about an hour away. Her friend has anxiety issues and cannot function properly because she had been diagnosed with cancer. My wife’s friend still cannot wrap her mind around it and has panic attacks.
My Wife wanted to go visit her and deliver some Klonopin (an anti anxiety medicine). The problem is.. it was 11pm at night and she didn’t want to deliver it alone. She asked if I would go with her to deliver it. I told her “No”. I continued.. “you are welcome to go, you don’t need me”. She said she wanted someone to go with her during the late night.
I looked at her in the eye and said ‘no’ as I walked away. This all goes back to her knowing that I am upset. My Wife said that I am upset over our blow up during my daughter’s birthday. In a way, yes I am. She doesn’t understand the fact that I am not going to be abused anymore by her. Her attitude switches between throwing more verbal blows at me, to ‘things are normal’ mood. She even offered to give me sex to go with her. I looked at her. She reduced herself to a prostitute just to get her way. I refused once again. She may offer it as a carrot on a stick, but she will not follow through with it. I’m tired of falling for her attitudes and tricks. Relationships should not be a game of strategy. It should be a partnership between us.
I had to remind myself that her kind attitude at this time was just a ploy. She tries to get whatever she can get. I am not falling for it.
I laid down in the living room and fell asleep. My daughter woke me up during the late night to ensure I went to bed. I wearily looked at my surroundings, got into my jammies, crawled into bed… and fell asleep next to my daughter.
So it continues
Yesterday (and part of today) my wife has been trying to get me to act normal. She has cleaned the house, played with the kids and tried to strike normal conversations with me. I have ignored it all. She even called my sister to apologize for all the crap she has done and bought my sister a present. She is trying to make amends. I think she is doing it for the wrong reason.
She is moving head over heels thinking that a clean house, and doing chores around the house will make me happy. It’s nice to have, but then again you can’t buy love..right?
She knows why I am mad. Yet she tries to kiss my ass in other ways to make me happy. I don’t fly that way. She doesn’t understand why I respond. It’s not like I ignore her. I talk to her in a civil manner. She notices my lack of interest in what she has to say. I have nothing positive to add. As I said, we are done. She is pretending it is not.
Tonight, she started putting me down and calling me stupid. I ignored it and her. She caught herself and started correcting her verbal posture. She didn’t apologize, she just changed her attitude.
She won’t change. As she said.. She doesn’t love me anymore. I can see that. You can’t show someone love by cleaning house and playing mom. You show love by loving someone. Being respectful and being a wife. Not a room ate who cleans the house every now and then just to avoid being evicted.
I need a new wife. Not this hate filled spiteful person.
Spoke too Soon
I appear to have spoken too soon (again).
Things were going great..sure. Today had to be different. It was sort of mindless on my part. A lot of it will be summarized and probably incomplete. I’ll do my best considering the time I have. In a way, I wish I recorded the conversation/fight my wife and I had today. It did cross my mind to do it, but it’s probably safer I didn’t.
In the beginning.. my wife is upset at my family. She doesn’t like them and they don’t care about her. In reality, my family hides it well probably. So well that I am oblivious to it too many times. I’m in denial about it more times than I can think of. Anyway…
My wife doesn’t like them. She knows something is going on behind her back. With my family being half mexican..and very gossipy.. my wife tends to pick up on things.
it has been the way of life with me. I have my family and no matter how much they talk crap about anyone or my wife talks crap about them.. i’ve accepted it. it’s the way of ‘hating the in-laws’. That is my foundation.
Today, is my oldest daughter’s birthday. My dad invited all of us to a restaurant to eat. My wife agreed. It was..until she discovered my sister was going. it wasn’t much of a surprise considering my sister is part of the family. Apparently my wife is oblivious to the fact that it was a ‘family’ dinner.
Non-The-Less.. my wife took the kids out to eat an hour before dinner. She told us that she was not going to dinner and nor were the kids. This sparked a flurry from me telling her she was selfish ..etc etc etc.
She told me the kids begged her to go out to eat so she took them. She didn’t want to disappoint my oldest daughter she continued. I smelled foul.
I came home from work and I talked to my oldest daughter. She told me that my Wife had convinced them to go even though they all wanted to go out to eat with the family. Yes, I caught my wife in a lie. i called her out on it too. She smiled and danced around and mocked me. During that time, we argued about everything in our lives. She mostly spat at me about why she doesn’t love me anymore. I argued that no one in our family cares about her (except for my dad..but that’s another story). She started cussing at me, talking me down, and started yelling at the kids how much she masturbates and does things that “The kids don’t need to know about” (as she calls it). She also started putting my family down and even called me racist names. Pretty shocking, but I think she was looking for the shock factor. I wasn’t impressed. She saw that too.
Through all the arguing, my oldest daughter was trying to talk to me when my wife called her a liar. She told her that my mom taught her to lie to my wife about things and grounded her. Yes she cried. She cried not so much about getting in trouble, but because my wife called her a liar and doesn’t believe her.
I felt so helpless. My wife was calling me and my daughter a liar because my daughter hangs out with my mom and I more than her. It was a failing argument. non-the-less, my wife blurted out she wanted a divorce (as she normally does). I promptly agreed. She sighed a breath of relief until she realized how serious I was.
She started talking about how our lives will change when I put changes upon myself towards the family. I told her “there was no more us”. it took her by surprise. She then changed her tone and decided that she wanted a compromise. she wanted my family to apologize to her for all the anguish they gave her. I disagreed. I told her that we owed her nothing since she wasn’t appreciate of things. I reiterated again that there was no more us.
She started backpedaling saying that she wanted me to consider talking to my family about how they treated her. I told my wife that if she had not cheated on me years back that my family would not have these opinions about her. My family is my family. Our (half) mexican family believes ‘familia primero’ (family first). As soon as my wife betrayed me, they had this tainted view of her. It doesn’t give them the right to hate on her (which they don’t). I reminded her that what she was talking about was almost 8 years ago. Everything had been resolved and she was rehashing the past. She disagreed. I asked for an example. she could not present one.
She saw that I was less impressed with what she had to say. I told her too. She was fighting a losing battle.
Tomorrow, she is going to the court house to start the paperwork on the divorce. She still talks about how we are going to stay together forgetting what I said. I am not going to repeat myself.
She isn’t going to change. I changed a couple years ago to the person she wanted me to be. I am that person and realize I am a better person because of it. this better person will not put up with someone who treats me (and the kids) like she is better than us. I told her that too. I also said “you will never love me they way you want me to love you.. and you will never love me the way you want to love me”. It will not happen.
Someone should accept someone for who they are.. not for who they want them to become.
i always thought so anyway.. funny how I am reminded of that.
I’m sorry I’m skipping out on a lot of details. i’m tired of this topic because im so burned out on it and her. There will be follow up. i’m almost positive on that.
The Return
I am back from my trip. It was a good break from the normal life I have been living.
The day before I left, I had gotten in a fight with my wife. It was over something minor and insignificant. It made a bit better to leave in the morning with no words to be exchanged. My sister picked me up and dropped me off at the airport. I boarded my plane and left.
I saw aunts, uncles and cousins I haven’t seen in the two decade I had been there. I was able to visit the places and take pictures of the sites and people I had not seen. My mom’s side of the family whom I have not seen in that time have all aged and some do not look it. I enjoyed being there every moment. I even had the opportunity to sit in the middle of a rolling thunderstorm. We don’t get many (if any) of those where I live. It was nice being able to remember things from my childhood and be in the places where I grew up for summers at a time.
During my time there, I was able to use the iPhone 4’s FaceTime ability to let me kids see and speak to my family members. They were able to see each other in real time which made the scene more memorable considering my kids were unable to come with me on the trip.
As brief as my trip had started, it had ended and returned on Monday. I was a bit upset that my wife “forgot” to pick me up at the airport, but I was ok with it since I was able to kill some time just reading. She had a busy weekend and I would love to go into detail about the trip, but I can’t.
In either case, I have been home for 2 and a half days now. My wife has been kind for the most part. I have nothing really to complain about other than the lack of intimacy. She has started smoking again even though she was going to give it up for Lent. I’m over it. The kids will not be. She wants me to keep it a secret until she opts to really stop smoking. To be honest, I don’t think I believe her goals considering she has never followed through on them. We’ll see.
Anyway, I am back to the lack-luster home that I know.
Home
Well I am home. We had a discussion last Wednesday about when I should return. After some talk, we both originally agreed that I would come back Thursday, but instead turned into that Wednesday. How are things? They are not bad. I am not being yelled at. The kids are not being yelled at. I like the fact that negativity has gone back to sleep in our household. My Wife’s tests came back too. The doctors analysed everything. They found nothing. Absolutely nothing. She is as fit as she can be. It’s as though she wanted there something to be wrong to help give her reason as to why she is doing the things she was. However she run out of people or things to blame. She still doesn’t accept her actions though. But on the plus side, she is not being hateful towards anyone anymore. I like that. She seems to be coming out of her shell some more so things are more positive.
It still doesn’t mean that we have been intimate in any way. She has avoided me intimately, however she has been more caring in return. She makes it a point to show appreciation and even wrote me a note this morning.
Good Morning [My Name]!
I love you. You have been so amazing – dinner was amazing — and caring for us is amazing. I don’t know what to say – tell me what you need. Thank you for being the backbone of this family. Life sometimes is difficult, and I appreciate your support of my education. Please love me.
– [My Wife’s Name]
This makes up for a lot. I have a lot of things in my office that remind me of my family. I put the note up on my wall as a reminder. I need reinforcement a lot because I feel forgotten and lost a lot. I do care and love my wife. I may get frustrated at her actions sometimes but it’s always these little things that make up for it. I do appreciate stuff like that..
I am leaving on Friday on my trip. Thursday will be busy, but I intend to write about things as vague as they may be. We’ll just see how it turns out.. I may not even write at all since it may not be relevant to what I intend to share. We’ll see…
Looking at this situation from a Distance
Today will be my third night in a row away from home. I am getting antsy about it since I have spoken very little to my wife. The only time I really spoke to her is when she called to talk about taxes. It rather bothers me that she doesn’t want to talk to the kids. Instead she just asked once how they were when I talked to her. The last time this happened, she told me she didn’t want to talk to them because she would cry on the phone. She wanted to avoid that. I am probably sure this is why she is avoiding them now.
It’s touchy because the kids have already asked about her. The kids know why we are away, but it doesn’t change the fact that they ask for her and miss her dearly. My youngest daughter wrote her a note expressing her love for her mom. Even now when I write this, it’s very moving to know that the kids and I miss her. I just wish things would go back to normal.
Looking at this situation from a distance, I can see now how much better the kids and I are. We have no daily mental beating from my wife’s situation. Whether it has been from smoking or not is irrelevant. My wife believes it’s also a mental thing and I can’t help but think that may be the case as well.
If you asked me 5 years ago where I thought we would be, I don’t think I would have imagined myself where I am now. I thought our family was going to be in a better spot. I thought my Wife would have done something better for herself. In a way, she has career wise, however mentally and emotionally, she has not done well for our family. I just wish things weren’t so bad in any department and we can just live our lives. Maybe there could have been something different I could have done. Maybe..maybe not. I am guessing probably not. If she is bringing up stuff from before 5 years ago and she continued on this mental path.. there is no avoiding it.
Bringing the topic back to focus, I am curious as to what she is doing in her time. I know she is working on homework, but there is only so much homework you can do. She had the day off yesterday and today.
UPDATE: I just logged remotely into my PC from work and My Wife spoke to me over chat. The conversation was about an hour or two..but it was extensive and she wrote everything out. Everything feels so resolved now..but I am still weary.. but still.. I feel better than I have before hand..
In a nutshell, she wants to do counseling (finally) and spoke a lot about controlling tempers (mostly hers).
(part of the chat)
Her:I can tell you what I want, you tell me what you want, or perhaps we can do this in the privacy of our own home. I’ll just have to see when she is available. I still feel like I need some time. and then i also miss the hell out of you all, so I don’t know. I don’t know. I know we need to unravel about the last 12 years of our relationship/dealings and kind of correct the mistake and start over. too much got in the way….at first you couldnt’forgive me, and then i am having trouble forgiving you. & myself. all i know is that if you and the girls come home, we will seriously have to control our tempers….for if there are flare ups. we both have been edgy and poky at each other, but probably more me than you because I’ve been over reacting. and who knows…
(her talking about me cooking)
Her: i figured because you’d give me prickly feelings whenever you were cooking…and plus i did the same thing….because i always got complaints from someone. and i don’t like to do it but it makes me feel bad because generally speaking it’s considered the mothers job to do that while the husband relaxes. except when your doing it, I’m not relaxing about it. I’m stressing because I know your mother doesn’t approve and then it makes it difficult to focus on my homwork, which really has become the point of me not cooking recently…except in the mornings when i’m sleeping. which i also hate being met with negativity regarding my sleeping habits. that’s another reason why i’m not quite ready for you to come home yet because i’m not done sleeping. and sleeping. and sleeping.
(After that part, I gave her my “I fucking love cooking” talk. She did continue with more…)
i don’t know if you understand everything I said, but mainly i seek understanding. that’s all. i guess i also have to seek to understand that I can’t be supermom, and if any mom says they are or pretends to be they are lying. we all need help. especially with all the rage about how if we don’t do this and that and that and that we’ll fuck up our kids. which is why I would like for us to plan the occasional day trip somewhere to do something educational and fun with the kids. like [name of place here] type stuff. that that little museum for kids in [name of place here] that’s damn near free to get into. and so that means I’ll have to modify my behavoir a bit. like get up earlier so we can do things other than shopping. lol. I love shopping.
We concluded our talk on a super positive note. We are both ready for us to come home. I know I am. We agreed that a good date would be Thursday. I am interested to see how if things change when we do go home..however we will see. The week is still early.
I am here
Well here I sit. I am not home. I am at a friend’s house.
Today, I was at home. My wife went for a run to start boosting her health. When she got back, I was in the process of eating some ice cream. I offered her some but she had declined. She said she was going to go get some water instead. I said that was fine. I didn’t have any water with me, but I mentioned it was in the kitchen. While walking away, she called me a “shit head”. It caught me off guard and I looked at her. I was so confused, said “what?”. She walked away smiling.
I was seriously so confused, I felt like I missed something. I walked into the kitchen asking for clarification. She would not look at me or acknowledge me. I walked away into the other room. I had nothing positive to add considering I had been blindsided. She later walked in and apologized for being so abrupt and a bitch. I did not acknowledge her. She asked me if I still loved her. I still did not acknowledge her.
Instead, she asked if I could stay away from her for a while. She said she did not feel like she could be around me or the kids, since earlier, she made my oldest daughter cry out of rage. I thought for a moment thinking that I did not want to leave my comfort of home, but it was obviously the best solution. So, we are here. I’m in a room sitting in the dark while my kids sleep. I am typing on my laptop in the dark with only the glow of the display to light my time.
There is obviously more to the story, but it’s very irrelevant right now. It would not add to the context of anything I have to say. Instead, this is just a summary. I brought with me a weeks or so worth of clothing. I am worried about my trip away in a couple of weeks. Even though I will be gone for 4 days, I am worried something will prevent me from going. That will be very bad. I will endeavor to clear it up beforehand so I can make it back in one piece along with whatever family we have here.
Sigh
I’m all over the place with topics today, so bear with me as I try to order things…
My Wife and I had a little spat last night. It was basically a spat involving the way she feels towards me. She says that she doesn’t feel sexual or anything meaningful towards me. I looked at her and told her that I was tired anyway of trying to care. I didn’t care anymore because I am always tired of trying to please her or do anything meaningful. She tried to push the conversation into a fight, but I just walked away telling her that I didn’t care.
I went to sleep believing I was on top. For that night I was. Last night, I continued our spat in a dream. It wasn’t a negative dream, but more of a dream accepting the way things were. I didn’t feel spit or hatred. I just felt like it was the way things turned out. I probably have to be patient, however I think it may be running thin. I was reading a forum where husbands were talking about their sexless marriages. After reading what other husbands wrote in there, I was able to relate to almost every single one of them.
They were talking about wives being callous towards their husbands and not feeling the need to please them. Some women chimed in saying that there was no romance in their relationship. Those I could not agree with. It’s not that I am romantic.. it’s that my wife will not accept me being romantic or sensual to her. I have accepted that fact.
In either case, I felt I had nothing to add to that sort of conversation. I was in the boat they all were in and my experience would add nothing to theirs. All that left me with was depression and thinking of ways to get out of it. There was no real advise on the forum I could adapt. They were just experiences people were writing. Some people dealing with the exact situation I am. Others divorcing and others having affairs.
It almost makes me wish I had someone I could have an affair with. It definitely has crossed my mind. The only problem with that is… I do not meet people on a regular basis. I am in a job where I sit in my own office with a couple other people doing computer work. We are all guys in our company. Go figure. I even pondered looking around other websites..even giving in to peeking at what’s out there. I never indulged into taking action upon it. Just the way I am.. I’m naturally a shy kind of guy. I haven’t dated anyone in almost a decade and everything I know is outdated anyway. Whatever… this is not a ‘poor me post’.
I bet you there are married couples out there that say goodbye every morning to their spouses before they go to work and give kisses goodbye or stuff like that. Affection showing I guess you’d call it. At least a show of appreciation or love. I don’t get any of that really. As I say bye to my wife, she ignores me as she shuffles into the kitchen. She says bye to the kids and gives them kisses and just skips me on her rounds. Doesn’t make me feel good. I feel out of place.
Today, I spoke with my wife for almost 45 minutes at work. She had nothing of interest to talk about. She just talked about her, what she plans to do and other things she is doing. She never really talks about us. Just her. I almost despise talking to her because I wish she would talk about anything besides herself. I’ll take World News, I’ll take Politics that I know nothing about. I’ll take music critiques.. I know everything she has told me. It’s all about her. Nothing about anything else. That’s just my mini rant though.
All I need is a place to go to. Being on the West Coast makes it boring here. I should go to the East Coast or maybe in the middle of the country like Utah or Wyoming. That would be awesome. Maybe i’m just looking for a way to restart my life in a good way without sacrificing the good things I have..like my kids.
*sigh*
Waste
Somehow I knew something like tonight would have happened. Let us begin…
When I got home, my wife said she was going to pick up a table from a lady here in our area. The table is to put her electronic piano on so she can practice in the living room since the location we had it in was pretty uncomfortable. She asked if I would go with her and I agreed. I figured she could use the help anyway. We didn’t have the kids tonight and it would be nice to spend time with her.
So while there, the lady we were getting the table from was going to do a garage sale (her home was foreclosed and she is selling her furniture. The table was upon them). My wife spent 3 hours talking to her about random crap, garage sales and antique stuff. Basically, I really didn’t care to be there while they were chatting away, but I involved myself anyway. After all, it’s not often we get to spend the time together. So after our evening was spent there, we packed the table and left. On our way home, my wife proclaimed “my vagina hurts”. I looked at her and didn’t know what to think. Then she told me she was really tired and was ready to go to bed.
You can probably tell what my reaction was. I basically asked her what kind of lame excuse she just threw at me. I didn’t ask for anything, and she randomly tells me that she is sore and is tired. (No I didn’t make her sore..she said she was just randomly sore). The night had begun with that statement. By the time we had gotten home, she told me that she didn’t care to see my penis tonight anyway. Yep, the argument escalated pretty horribly. We went upstairs and I just sat and didn’t say anything. I felt I pretty much spent my evening building up to this anti-climatic fight that was going no where fast. I sat on the couch and decided to brew. I didn’t want to add to something that started off bad.
She came over to me and apologized for making me feel bad. I didn’t take her apology seriously. Instead I started making myself something to eat since I was hungry at that point. During my meal making, she continued to badger me about random stuff that had nothing to do with our argument. I was still pretty quiet so I didn’t have anything to add to conversation. It had gone bad and I didn’t want it to get any worse.
As I sat down and ate, she avoided me as I pretty much moved to get away from her. During that time she was shuffling around on the laptop and the other room. After a while, she came back and said she knew what was wrong with her. I looked at her with nothing but spite. How can she possibly make tonight even worse. Well, she didn’t..I did. My contempt was written all over my face. She proceeded to tell me that she had something called ‘Systemic Yeast Infection’. (I only know this because it the web page was wide open on the laptop I am writing this from). She told me it was the reason she was sore and tired all the time. I didn’t care at that point. She had insulted me, badgered me and was now looking for an excuse for her actions. I listened, but she knew that I wasn’t paying much attention. I then asked her what she wanted from me. She replied with ‘I just want you to care’. I looked at her and said, ‘there is nothing you can say right now that can make me possibly care with what you put me through tonight’. She looked at me with a glazed look. I looked away. She didn’t deserve my attention anymore. I was done with her tonight.
She walked off to go outside for a smoke (no, I don’t smoke). While she was out, I got ready for bed. Tonight she had drained my energy and I allowed her to. I should not have gone with her tonight, and I shouldn’t have wasted my time with her table. I knew I should have stayed behind because it was only going to be a waste. I crawled into bed with nothing but spite. I know I should not have gone to bed like that, but I didn’t want to stay up. It wouldn’t be worth it.
I woke up at 1am. I woke up very angry and got up to type all this up. She is asleep and I feel that she is going to try and sweep this under the rug along with everything else. Right now, I feel as though I should be doing something about the situation, however I know that I can’t do anything at this hour. Instead I wrote about it. I wish my life were more positive at times. Instead, they are below normal and lower. I can’t but think I am the only husband who is in this situation.
Really Random Thoughts and ..What Happened?
Warning: This is just random off the wall thinking. I am just putting it down somewhere. Don’t expect a direction.
I don’t want to move backwards. Evolution (or revolution) of ideas and life need to move forward. Going backward can only cause stumbling, especially since you are blind when you do so.
I have to remain positive. I have to reflect my life more positively. Negativity only goes so far. I don’t want pity. I just want to vent accordingly so at least I feel understood. I believe I am normal (mostly). I don’t have any mental problems. I don’t think unnecessary things. I can go into public without much anxiety. I get shy just like anyone else when it comes to meeting new people. Is this what normal is? Ok, scratch that.. sorry for typing all of that…
Normal is what you make of it I guess. Do I consider the life I am living normal? Probably. The actions by others, probably not. But I try to be normal. I clean, I do the dishes, I cook, I help the kids do their homework, I even play Barbie with my daughter. Is that normal? I’d like to think so. Am I questioning my decisions?… Nope. I am just reflecting upon my life for a minute. I have to do that to make sure I am still doing what I need to be to help my kids. I mostly reflect upon my life in my head. This time though, I have somewhere to write my ideas down.
Sometimes, I wish I could write about normal things in the normal life of the world. Unfortunately, I think I would get bored if I wrote about everyone else. I don’t know the subject of the world as well as I know the subject of my life. It’s easy to write about what I think or do. It’s easy to tell you all how I feel about any bad situation. Before, I never did what I am doing now. Writing down my thoughts. Well I did, but it was always so censored. I would delete whole paragraphs or even articles because I felt I was not reflecting who I was supposed to be. Now, I feel I don’t have that problem. I can talk about sex, I can talk about my life, I can tell you how crappy I feel when I get yelled at, I can reflect upon my life when I feel something is or isn’t my fault. I feel more of a connection with the people who write the on blogs that I subscribe to than I feel with people I am around normally.
Tonight, my kids are going to stay with my parents. My Mom want to a lot of spend time with them before she leaves. She is going to where I am going next month. Visiting her brothers and sisters across the country. I will be there at a later time, but I will be there. Basically tonight, I get to hang out with my wife tonight…
oh yah!
Last night.. the reason my wife did not respond. She dropped her iPhone off our balcony onto the pavement. It was an accident. But non-the-less.. the phone was destroyed. I took the phone to the Apple store and got it replaced. She asked me if I had gotten her email yesterday. In honesty, I didn’t. I have been super busy with work. She wrote about our discussion..
[my name],
I dropped my phone. Last time this happened and the screen broke, the apple store replaced it for free. Would you be willing to go with me to the apple store to see what we can do? I was able to pull all the pictures off it when I plugged it into the computer, but in terms of doing a back up, itunes could not recognize my phone. Ugh. Brainless today. Need help. Cant call you because I have no phone to do so with.
And speaking of which, as for our discussion this morning, I was only telling you those things so you could understand me, not to take offense. I was telling you like a friend would tell their friend of their personal struggles. I wasn’t expecting you to get angry with me for telling you those things, it’s just how I am experiencing my life at the moment. It’s funny how not that long ago I had read in my communications book about non face to face communication (ie…instant messenger, text message, e-mail) and the book mentioned how while these things are great and can keep people in contact, it also causes many misunderstandings. I didn’t respond to anymore of your texts because I felt you’d only misunderstand more…but damn it for not being on the phone. Maybe I should not talk to you at work?
[more none related discussion about a table on craigslist]
That is all,
and I’m truly sorry.
Maybe I felt I misunderstood. Either way, there was no harshness between us yesterday and today. She was actually quite cheerful. She had no spite towards me. She was not angry..she was not waiting for something to set her off. It was nice. She asked me since the kids were not going to be there.. “what are you going to do tonight?”. I looked at her..thought a moment and replied “you”.
Nightmare Blah
Yesterday was a nightmare. An unexpected one. The thing is.. I am so tired of writing about all this negativity that gets thrown at me. I don’t want to pass the negative energy upon anyone else. No one else deserves the energy behind all that happens. Let’s just say, my wife forgot some essential stuff from last year. When I reminded her of it, she called me a liar considering she forgot. Now I have to find her signature to ‘jog her memory’.
She has been angry at me for the past few months. She said she’s been angry because she thinks my Mom is trying to take over as a mother to replace her. My wife also acknowledged that she hasn’t always been there and instead opted to leave me with kids while she went to parties and participated in drugs and such. She has since returned from her partying and participated with the kids’ lives more.
Last night, we stayed up until 1am talking things over and trying to smooth the way things are. I have opted not to fight her over things that she has forgotten since it will not prove to be fruitful in any scenario.
However since last night, she has been cheerful today and it’s a really nice breath of fresh air. It’s nice having her visit me at work and actually be civil to me. I am not used to it, so I keep expecting some sort of lashing. I just wish she would lose some of the negativity she has so we can live our lives. She tends to live things in the past and brings the past up a lot. I used to do that in my time, but I have also learned to let go of the past. The past is not now.
Anyway, on to more positive subjects, I am currently curing our brand new cast iron skillets. Cooking is a hobby that I don’t get the chance to do often. I love cooking to see how things are going to turn out and in turn, feeds the family. I find it relaxing to cook and listen to music while cooking. I want to learn to cook more robust dishes and get nitty gritty with things. We are moving to look away from Teflon skillets and move to more old school (and healthier) cooking. I think this is a good step to head into.
Tomorrow is my friend’s birthday. We are meeting at a comedy club tomorrow night in a near by town. Depending on the time I get back may determine whether I write something about the night or not. I typically have something to talk about during the day so I write something during that day when I get the chance. We’ll see how things go.
I almost wish I had more positive things to write about. I seem to be lacking in that department. Plenty of not so positive things but who wants to eat a mouthful of cinnamon anyway…
All I wanted was to cook
Wow. A fight! I was waiting for my wife to punch me or something. I guess I should start in the beginning…
My Wife and the kids were hungry. I was offering to cook whatever they wanted, however they insisted and ordered a pizza. Whatever.. I don’t like the ‘Little Caesars’ in our area because they taste horrible and cheap..but it’s what they wanted. The only thing is, I had to pick it up. Whatever.
I went to pick up the pizza and when I told them the order was under my wife’s name, they said they didn’t have an order for her. I was annoyed already because I had to pick up food that I didn’t want in the first place. Second, it’s pouring rain here so i’m semi irritated. I called my wife and she said she placed the order so I basically had to re-order the pizza. The order was way more than I expected, and I reluctantly paid. I sent my wife a message saying how much it was (I was really irritated at this point). She called me and said it was too much and to hand the phone to the lady. I told her no, and she should call because I am not going to play phone tag with someone who is busy over the counter dealing with a half dozen other customers.
I picked up the pizza’s that were ordered, however I was given more pizza than I expected. I didn’t question it.. I was tired and annoyed. So I left. I came home and my wife told me that she ordered the wrong pizzas in the wrong town and that’s why they didn’t have our order. Second, she contacted the right pizza location and the lady told her that we had ordered another pizza. I didn’t but didn’t question it either. My wife then told me to take the pizza back. I told my wife, ‘No’. I was not going to go back on her whim on something I didn’t want. If she wanted to take the pizza back, she can… and I am going to cook food because I didn’t want to eat that crap anyway.
She then said I owed her extra money then since I refused to go back and take the pizza back. I looked at her quizzically. WTF. I asked her how it was my responsibility. Especially since I didn’t want it and I didn’t want to go back. She couldn’t answer. Instead she tried to pull the ‘kid trump card’ on me saying that I should do it for the sake of the kids. Yep.. it made no sense.
In either case, I pulled the trump card of my own (which I shouldn’t have), but asked her for the money that she owed me ($500 total) for buying shit she couldn’t afford and took my credit card on a shopping spree. She threw her pen at my face and told me ‘get the fuck out of my face’. She promptly shoved me out of the bedroom (or tried to). The kids were witness to the situation and started crying. I didn’t offer any offense. I didn’t hit. I didn’t move. I didn’t budge. I did twist so she was deflected to the other side of me. That was it. (by the way I never yelled at her. I kept my voice calm).
She did shove me out and slam the door on me. The whole time the kids were yelling and crying asking their mom to stop. All I did was walk to the couch and sit down. I couldn’t do anything else. I am not going to hit her. That’s wrong. I did expect her to slap or punch me. It didn’t happen. Instead, I got shoved out to the living room. So what do I do? I walk over to the laptop and start typing. So here I am.
Update: After she ate, she came out to talk to me. And she apologized for the way she acted. In a nutshell, she said we should treat each other more nicely. I agreed. The conversation was not that clear cut, but it’s the jest of it. I didn’t want to type it out because I am fairly exhausted from going through this in the first place. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t even want to get involved. I just wanted to cook. I didn’t want to spend any money. *sigh*
Update
Ah.. How quickly one forgets the lessons they teach. My wife talks to me about being friendly to each other. Something we both agree needs to happen. 15 minutes later, she yells at me over a miscommunication from a question I asked her…and she didn’t pay attention to. She answered in gibberish because her nose was in her phone.
I walked away irritated, until she came back to talk to me. She yelled at me some more because I thought it was not a good idea to have the kids miss school just so someone can take me to the airport. She wanted her mom to watch the kids. I’m not a fan of her mom watching the kids. I might have a friend take me instead. I have a month to plan this. Generally, I am leaving March 17 or 18 and coming back the 21st. I put my vacation request in, so it’s basically a done deal. I haven’t been back there in 21 years. It will be good to see some family.
Anyway…This past week, things were not this irritated. My wife and I had the house to ourselves on Tuesday night. We spent time together, had awesome sex doing things we couldn’t do with kids around… And generally had a great time with each other. It was our Valentine’s day the day after. It was ‘Us’ time. We both agreed we needed more of that.
Work has been busy. Tomorrow will be no different. In either case, I don’t think anything is going on this weekend. I’ll have to double check. I also have to get a softball schedule for my daughter. Lots to do.
Epilogue
I have opted not to write much during the weekends. It’s the time I get to spend with my kids and the time in general to relax.
My oldest daughter was briefly sick this weekend, but after a couple nights of rest, she was good this morning for school. I also discovered this weekend that my Uncle has developed an aneurysm in his stomach and refuses to have an operation to fix it. This has left my Mom with a decision to travel across the country to her home state. I opted to go with her if she ever decided to go back. However when I brought the idea of going across the country to my Wife, she blew up at me. She said I couldn’t go because of her schooling. She said she had midterms around the time and she didn’t support the idea of me leaving for a few days. I left the idea of me leaving open and didn’t pursue an argument. I do plan to go, but my schedule of going might be different to accommodate the kids and schooling. I only planned on going for 3-4 days anyway. She did say she had an anxiety stress moment that evening anyway.
Yesterday, We spent time together as a family. My oldest was still sick yesterday so we didn’t venture too far. My Wife loves garage/yard sales so we went looking for some. We spent a great deal of time together doing what she wanted to do. It was actually kind of nice. We got home in the early evening and the kids galloped around. She took a nap and I lazied the evening away.
I just got off the phone with my wife right now. Literally right now. She was more open to me going across the country and we are going to talk later this evening about arrangements to ensure everything runs smoothly.
While talking, she did say she wanted a divorce, but not for relationship reasons. She wants to be able to afford going to a University when she finishes school. To do that, a divorce would grant her Financial Aid. This leaves me in an awkward position, but I think it could work in each others favor. We have to see how it goes and discuss it further. Things to think about…
I’m sorry if you don’t remember, but it’s not my fault.
It’s amazing how much my wife can make me change my attitude. She takes things for granted, she jumps to conclusions and she is stubborn in the wrongest way possible. At least that is my point of view. Here’s my story.
My Mom and I had enrolled my oldest daughter into softball. She had expressed interest in playing the sport so we proceeded to get her setup in it. I asked my youngest daughter if she was interested and she sharply responded with a ‘no’. No problem. We enrolled my oldest. After the sign up occurred, they needed her insurance information for obvious reasons. I informed my wife that I needed her insurance card so we could finish the process of getting her in softball. My wife was surprised that she chose that sport but she also informed me that she is getting a new card so it wasn’t available. No problem. We gave them her old information until the new card was available.
Time passes and her insurance card comes in. As I opened the letter that morning, I exclaim that it’s good it came in so we can give the softball association the information. My wife acknowledges my statement briefly since she is in her morning daze. Nothing registers to her and she continues upon her morning. I snap photos on my phone of the card so I have the information available to me as needed. No problem.
Today, we had to get the softball uniforms sized so my daughter can have a uniform. No problem. I get an email about it and we setup a schedule to get her sized. My wife at the time was picking up the kids from my mom’s since they were there for the day (they’ve been sick for the past few days and my wife was working and going to school).
I get a txt from my Mom that Annette was pissed off at her. She told my Mom that she didn’t hear anything about the softball sign up until today. I am really confused and I told my mom that I would clear things up with my wife. I actually meet up with them later after my daughter gets sized for her uniform. We opt to go out to eat because everyone was hungry. No problem. We all go out and it seems a little awkward between my wife and I. It’s hard to understand why it was.. at least.. until.. she points at me and says that Me and my Mom are both a bunch of fucking liars.
WTF?!
Where did that come from? Yep, i’m confused. I ask for clarification. All she says is, that she didn’t know about it and nothing I can say can prove her otherwise. She is obviously pissed at me and my mom for something I knew nothing about. The argument she had with my mom was because my wife feels left out of my daughter’s decision on softball.
I asked her how she could forget something like that. I mentioned it to her not twice but three times. Could she have not been paying attention? Really? Really? And from her assumption and forgetful memory, she is going to straight out (in front of my kids) call me a fucking liar along with my mom?!
The night did not end well. Our food came, and the kids knew bad shit was going down. They clammed up as I felt sorry for them. When my wife is stubborn, negative and out to get me, that’s final. Embarrassing me, the kids and herself by calling us liars didn’t help either.. and there was nothing I could say to fix the issue. All I could do was shut up and do nothing.
Besides being embarrassed, humiliated, and feeling like crap over a forgetful memory.. I am going to seriously look into divorce procedures. I do not deserve to be treated like shit over something as minor as enrolling my daughter in a sport. I am not made of money either. I pay bills, rent and barely make it at the end of the month. This isn’t worth it. I txted my friend whom has been through a divorce already that I need to know how the procedure is done.. and how to go about doing it.
I feel like shit and all I did was help my daughter do something she wanted. I’m sorry if you don’t remember, but it’s not my fault.
Quick Day
I was too tired to write a blog post last night.
I was working at a customer’s site all day installing 2 servers that did not want to cooperate. The workstations moved over, but there were DNS issues creating the problem and more problems when the backups would not install. We contacted Symantec (who were the culprits in this case) and they knew about the problem. They did not have a fix which left our customers up shitcreek but we were able to work around that. Anyway….
Afterward, I went to pick up the kids and my oldest was napping. My youngest was still up and playing games on the computer. I contacted my friend and asked if she was busy. She said she had company over but invited us to visit. I took my youngest and we both went over there to hang out for the evening.
We stayed a lot longer than I wanted to. I was going to leave around 8, but ended up leaving close to 10. It always turns out that way when I visit her. I end up staying longer than I want to. It was nice hanging out with her and our mutual friends. My youngest was tired when she got in the car and passed out.
By that time, my oldest had woken up from her nap and was ready to come home. We made it home around 11ish and I went straight to bed. No dinner, no nothing. I was tired. My wife was watching one of her videos and working on some stuff she got at the craft store earlier that day. I don’t know what happened after that.. because.. I fell asleep.
Caffeine Rush
I am sitting here hyped up on coffee. I wish my brain was this active without the jitters more often. I have commented to my wife that I need something that will keep my brain active and focused so I can work AND FINISH projects that I would like to be proud of doing. My focus is always a casualty to everyday life.
Last night, I started watching “The Social Network” with my wife. Before I knew it, the time had passed into the late night. I never finished the movie however it was past my usual bed time. I strutted off to bed and left my wife to finish watching the movie. (just chugged the last of my coffee) — I fell asleep pretty quickly since I was tired. However throughout the night, my wife kept waking me and the kids up. She had decided to stay up the duration of the night and was noisy during that time. The kids woke up multiple times but had gone back to sleep immediately. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky. When I wake up, it’s very jarring. Especially if it’s multiple times throughout the night.
When I woke up this morning, I felt doubly tired. Also, my wife was still awake. She told me she wanted to be awake when the kids got up so she can spend the morning with them. I appreciate the sentiment. It always turns out ..not so well.. when it happens. She upset my oldest this morning by brushing my daughters hair..forcefully. My daughter likes brushing her own hair. It’s a morning activity in which she can appreciate the long thick hair she has. My Wife forcefully took that away from her so she can spend time with her. My daughter took it the wrong way. I had to tell her about her mom spending time with her and how rare it is sometimes to enjoy it. She didn’t seem understanding, but I hope it got through to her. There were no other complications from her being up this morning though.
My wife actually made us cinnamon rolls this morning which was a surprise. Although most of us ate a semi-decent breakfast, having the rolls afterward was a good treat for everyone. I brought a couple of them to work and shared them with my coworker. As a direct result of Karma, my coworker brought large coffees for us to drink. Hence..why I am all hyped up. I just dread the crash it will bring..but until then, i’ll just sit on top of my caffeine fueled excitement of seeing through walls.
I almost wish I had something more exciting to say. Unfortunately, I don’t which is almost depressing in itself. No hate fueled fights. No depressing monologue to talk about. Maybe I am just putting myself in boring situations.
Meh
This weekend fell apart quickly. i was going to see my friend and a few other mutual friends last night at a club. They canceled at the last minute and decided that we would all get together today. I sent her a message and left one too. She did not respond. I am not too worked up about it.
My Wife did take the kids to visit one of her friends. She was supposed to be back many hours previous, but since my friend canceled on us, she kept them. They had a blast out playing today. I guess it was my regret that I did not go. Since we were supposed to go out, they were going to be back an hour or so after they left this afternoon. Since there was no word, they stayed out and had a good time.
I just sat here at home. Alone. I am not too worried about it. It was a nice day of doing nothing. I suppose I could have cleaned house or something, but I decided to relax. I clean the house up during the week anyway.
Tomorrow is payday. I have many bills to pay. I have to pay Car Insurance, Phone Bill and potentially save up some cash for some school books for my wife. It’s the typical beginning to a new week. I’m sitting here with nothing really to write about right now. I’m trying to squeeze juice out of a turnip. I guess I will stop here for now.
112 Reasons 