Stuff
I have stuff to talk about.. but i have no mind to talk about it right now. I need a calm and steady mind to write. Right now, my wife has me up the wall.
Standoff
There has been a standoff. Well..by me mostly. With each passing day, I feel like i’m being a jerk. I keep reminding myself that I am proving a point. It’s been so long though, I think I have proven my point. Almost.
My Wife has apologized to me twice. She has even apologized for the little snappy things she has said to me. I have ignored all those apologies and spit on them in front of her. I tell her that things are not going to change. They never have. Everytime she has apologized, she turns around and does the same thing over and over. It’s the way it’s always been with her.
A couple years ago, I used to be that lazy guy that never did anything around the house. I never even payed attention to the kids. My wife gave me an ultimatum. She told me to change or GTFO. That time in which I did the things I was needed to do. It also allowed me to see what I was missing in regards to my kids. I missed about a year of their life, but now I am eating up every minute. I changed because I had to if I wanted things to keep going. Now, the roles are revered. This time, she doesn’t want to change. My Wife would rather wallow in her own misery than deal with the life she has before her. I already told her to GTFO.
She has yet to respond. It also makes me wonder if she is going through a changing period. After all, she has picked up a lot of slack. She cooks, she cleans and even plays with the kids. Yet her need to insult me hasn’t changed much, but her apologies have.
I still feel she won’t love me the way she says she wants to love me. It’s natural for her to lie just to get her own way. She will say anything to achieve whatever her demands are. The thing is… I can’t tell if I am the jerk here.
so… I have been civil with her. I don’t give her more attention than is warranted. I answer her questions and I don’t give her the time of day otherwise. It’s not like I am missing anything otherwise. If I was not getting any attention in any regards to our lives then .. why should I worry about it now. I am not bending over backward for her now. I’m done.
Blogrollin
I have been meaning to add the blog roll on the side. I finally got around to it. The links on the side are people and friends whom I enjoy reading immensely. I suggest you check out their blogs. 🙂
It still continues…
Here is sit the morning after…
My wife has a friend who lives about an hour away. Her friend has anxiety issues and cannot function properly because she had been diagnosed with cancer. My wife’s friend still cannot wrap her mind around it and has panic attacks.
My Wife wanted to go visit her and deliver some Klonopin (an anti anxiety medicine). The problem is.. it was 11pm at night and she didn’t want to deliver it alone. She asked if I would go with her to deliver it. I told her “No”. I continued.. “you are welcome to go, you don’t need me”. She said she wanted someone to go with her during the late night.
I looked at her in the eye and said ‘no’ as I walked away. This all goes back to her knowing that I am upset. My Wife said that I am upset over our blow up during my daughter’s birthday. In a way, yes I am. She doesn’t understand the fact that I am not going to be abused anymore by her. Her attitude switches between throwing more verbal blows at me, to ‘things are normal’ mood. She even offered to give me sex to go with her. I looked at her. She reduced herself to a prostitute just to get her way. I refused once again. She may offer it as a carrot on a stick, but she will not follow through with it. I’m tired of falling for her attitudes and tricks. Relationships should not be a game of strategy. It should be a partnership between us.
I had to remind myself that her kind attitude at this time was just a ploy. She tries to get whatever she can get. I am not falling for it.
I laid down in the living room and fell asleep. My daughter woke me up during the late night to ensure I went to bed. I wearily looked at my surroundings, got into my jammies, crawled into bed… and fell asleep next to my daughter.
So it continues
Yesterday (and part of today) my wife has been trying to get me to act normal. She has cleaned the house, played with the kids and tried to strike normal conversations with me. I have ignored it all. She even called my sister to apologize for all the crap she has done and bought my sister a present. She is trying to make amends. I think she is doing it for the wrong reason.
She is moving head over heels thinking that a clean house, and doing chores around the house will make me happy. It’s nice to have, but then again you can’t buy love..right?
She knows why I am mad. Yet she tries to kiss my ass in other ways to make me happy. I don’t fly that way. She doesn’t understand why I respond. It’s not like I ignore her. I talk to her in a civil manner. She notices my lack of interest in what she has to say. I have nothing positive to add. As I said, we are done. She is pretending it is not.
Tonight, she started putting me down and calling me stupid. I ignored it and her. She caught herself and started correcting her verbal posture. She didn’t apologize, she just changed her attitude.
She won’t change. As she said.. She doesn’t love me anymore. I can see that. You can’t show someone love by cleaning house and playing mom. You show love by loving someone. Being respectful and being a wife. Not a room ate who cleans the house every now and then just to avoid being evicted.
I need a new wife. Not this hate filled spiteful person.
Spoke too Soon
I appear to have spoken too soon (again).
Things were going great..sure. Today had to be different. It was sort of mindless on my part. A lot of it will be summarized and probably incomplete. I’ll do my best considering the time I have. In a way, I wish I recorded the conversation/fight my wife and I had today. It did cross my mind to do it, but it’s probably safer I didn’t.
In the beginning.. my wife is upset at my family. She doesn’t like them and they don’t care about her. In reality, my family hides it well probably. So well that I am oblivious to it too many times. I’m in denial about it more times than I can think of. Anyway…
My wife doesn’t like them. She knows something is going on behind her back. With my family being half mexican..and very gossipy.. my wife tends to pick up on things.
it has been the way of life with me. I have my family and no matter how much they talk crap about anyone or my wife talks crap about them.. i’ve accepted it. it’s the way of ‘hating the in-laws’. That is my foundation.
Today, is my oldest daughter’s birthday. My dad invited all of us to a restaurant to eat. My wife agreed. It was..until she discovered my sister was going. it wasn’t much of a surprise considering my sister is part of the family. Apparently my wife is oblivious to the fact that it was a ‘family’ dinner.
Non-The-Less.. my wife took the kids out to eat an hour before dinner. She told us that she was not going to dinner and nor were the kids. This sparked a flurry from me telling her she was selfish ..etc etc etc.
She told me the kids begged her to go out to eat so she took them. She didn’t want to disappoint my oldest daughter she continued. I smelled foul.
I came home from work and I talked to my oldest daughter. She told me that my Wife had convinced them to go even though they all wanted to go out to eat with the family. Yes, I caught my wife in a lie. i called her out on it too. She smiled and danced around and mocked me. During that time, we argued about everything in our lives. She mostly spat at me about why she doesn’t love me anymore. I argued that no one in our family cares about her (except for my dad..but that’s another story). She started cussing at me, talking me down, and started yelling at the kids how much she masturbates and does things that “The kids don’t need to know about” (as she calls it). She also started putting my family down and even called me racist names. Pretty shocking, but I think she was looking for the shock factor. I wasn’t impressed. She saw that too.
Through all the arguing, my oldest daughter was trying to talk to me when my wife called her a liar. She told her that my mom taught her to lie to my wife about things and grounded her. Yes she cried. She cried not so much about getting in trouble, but because my wife called her a liar and doesn’t believe her.
I felt so helpless. My wife was calling me and my daughter a liar because my daughter hangs out with my mom and I more than her. It was a failing argument. non-the-less, my wife blurted out she wanted a divorce (as she normally does). I promptly agreed. She sighed a breath of relief until she realized how serious I was.
She started talking about how our lives will change when I put changes upon myself towards the family. I told her “there was no more us”. it took her by surprise. She then changed her tone and decided that she wanted a compromise. she wanted my family to apologize to her for all the anguish they gave her. I disagreed. I told her that we owed her nothing since she wasn’t appreciate of things. I reiterated again that there was no more us.
She started backpedaling saying that she wanted me to consider talking to my family about how they treated her. I told my wife that if she had not cheated on me years back that my family would not have these opinions about her. My family is my family. Our (half) mexican family believes ‘familia primero’ (family first). As soon as my wife betrayed me, they had this tainted view of her. It doesn’t give them the right to hate on her (which they don’t). I reminded her that what she was talking about was almost 8 years ago. Everything had been resolved and she was rehashing the past. She disagreed. I asked for an example. she could not present one.
She saw that I was less impressed with what she had to say. I told her too. She was fighting a losing battle.
Tomorrow, she is going to the court house to start the paperwork on the divorce. She still talks about how we are going to stay together forgetting what I said. I am not going to repeat myself.
She isn’t going to change. I changed a couple years ago to the person she wanted me to be. I am that person and realize I am a better person because of it. this better person will not put up with someone who treats me (and the kids) like she is better than us. I told her that too. I also said “you will never love me they way you want me to love you.. and you will never love me the way you want to love me”. It will not happen.
Someone should accept someone for who they are.. not for who they want them to become.
i always thought so anyway.. funny how I am reminded of that.
I’m sorry I’m skipping out on a lot of details. i’m tired of this topic because im so burned out on it and her. There will be follow up. i’m almost positive on that.
The Return
I am back from my trip. It was a good break from the normal life I have been living.
The day before I left, I had gotten in a fight with my wife. It was over something minor and insignificant. It made a bit better to leave in the morning with no words to be exchanged. My sister picked me up and dropped me off at the airport. I boarded my plane and left.
I saw aunts, uncles and cousins I haven’t seen in the two decade I had been there. I was able to visit the places and take pictures of the sites and people I had not seen. My mom’s side of the family whom I have not seen in that time have all aged and some do not look it. I enjoyed being there every moment. I even had the opportunity to sit in the middle of a rolling thunderstorm. We don’t get many (if any) of those where I live. It was nice being able to remember things from my childhood and be in the places where I grew up for summers at a time.
During my time there, I was able to use the iPhone 4’s FaceTime ability to let me kids see and speak to my family members. They were able to see each other in real time which made the scene more memorable considering my kids were unable to come with me on the trip.
As brief as my trip had started, it had ended and returned on Monday. I was a bit upset that my wife “forgot” to pick me up at the airport, but I was ok with it since I was able to kill some time just reading. She had a busy weekend and I would love to go into detail about the trip, but I can’t.
In either case, I have been home for 2 and a half days now. My wife has been kind for the most part. I have nothing really to complain about other than the lack of intimacy. She has started smoking again even though she was going to give it up for Lent. I’m over it. The kids will not be. She wants me to keep it a secret until she opts to really stop smoking. To be honest, I don’t think I believe her goals considering she has never followed through on them. We’ll see.
Anyway, I am back to the lack-luster home that I know.
Nothing New — You don’t have to read.
I wish I had something substantial to update. I picked up my car after having the radiator replaced in it. Oh boy..exciting.
My Wife promised me sex last night, however I was denied with reports of feeling ‘tired’. I somehow doubt that, but whatever. I am not going to start problems. Things are going well otherwise.
Quiet
It was quiet last night. Well, I discovered a leak in my car and took it to the shop. I didn’t get home until almost 8pm. I made a quick dinner and got the kids to bed. Most of the evening was put into taking care of things that needed to be taken care of.
After the kids went to bed, I stayed up with my wife. We surfed the Internet together just to spend time together. We talked about current events, my trip and a lot of just small talk. It was nice actually hanging out with her with no expectations and all positive good vibes. I ended up going to bed around midnight (which is rough for me) but I was able to get up alright.
Ok, well this morning was a bit rougher than I lead on but I managed. I just need a nap now.
Home
Well I am home. We had a discussion last Wednesday about when I should return. After some talk, we both originally agreed that I would come back Thursday, but instead turned into that Wednesday. How are things? They are not bad. I am not being yelled at. The kids are not being yelled at. I like the fact that negativity has gone back to sleep in our household. My Wife’s tests came back too. The doctors analysed everything. They found nothing. Absolutely nothing. She is as fit as she can be. It’s as though she wanted there something to be wrong to help give her reason as to why she is doing the things she was. However she run out of people or things to blame. She still doesn’t accept her actions though. But on the plus side, she is not being hateful towards anyone anymore. I like that. She seems to be coming out of her shell some more so things are more positive.
It still doesn’t mean that we have been intimate in any way. She has avoided me intimately, however she has been more caring in return. She makes it a point to show appreciation and even wrote me a note this morning.
Good Morning [My Name]!
I love you. You have been so amazing – dinner was amazing — and caring for us is amazing. I don’t know what to say – tell me what you need. Thank you for being the backbone of this family. Life sometimes is difficult, and I appreciate your support of my education. Please love me.
– [My Wife’s Name]
This makes up for a lot. I have a lot of things in my office that remind me of my family. I put the note up on my wall as a reminder. I need reinforcement a lot because I feel forgotten and lost a lot. I do care and love my wife. I may get frustrated at her actions sometimes but it’s always these little things that make up for it. I do appreciate stuff like that..
I am leaving on Friday on my trip. Thursday will be busy, but I intend to write about things as vague as they may be. We’ll just see how it turns out.. I may not even write at all since it may not be relevant to what I intend to share. We’ll see…
I’m Home
I’ve been home. Things have been ok and good. I will explain more later.
Looking at this situation from a Distance
Today will be my third night in a row away from home. I am getting antsy about it since I have spoken very little to my wife. The only time I really spoke to her is when she called to talk about taxes. It rather bothers me that she doesn’t want to talk to the kids. Instead she just asked once how they were when I talked to her. The last time this happened, she told me she didn’t want to talk to them because she would cry on the phone. She wanted to avoid that. I am probably sure this is why she is avoiding them now.
It’s touchy because the kids have already asked about her. The kids know why we are away, but it doesn’t change the fact that they ask for her and miss her dearly. My youngest daughter wrote her a note expressing her love for her mom. Even now when I write this, it’s very moving to know that the kids and I miss her. I just wish things would go back to normal.
Looking at this situation from a distance, I can see now how much better the kids and I are. We have no daily mental beating from my wife’s situation. Whether it has been from smoking or not is irrelevant. My wife believes it’s also a mental thing and I can’t help but think that may be the case as well.
If you asked me 5 years ago where I thought we would be, I don’t think I would have imagined myself where I am now. I thought our family was going to be in a better spot. I thought my Wife would have done something better for herself. In a way, she has career wise, however mentally and emotionally, she has not done well for our family. I just wish things weren’t so bad in any department and we can just live our lives. Maybe there could have been something different I could have done. Maybe..maybe not. I am guessing probably not. If she is bringing up stuff from before 5 years ago and she continued on this mental path.. there is no avoiding it.
Bringing the topic back to focus, I am curious as to what she is doing in her time. I know she is working on homework, but there is only so much homework you can do. She had the day off yesterday and today.
UPDATE: I just logged remotely into my PC from work and My Wife spoke to me over chat. The conversation was about an hour or two..but it was extensive and she wrote everything out. Everything feels so resolved now..but I am still weary.. but still.. I feel better than I have before hand..
In a nutshell, she wants to do counseling (finally) and spoke a lot about controlling tempers (mostly hers).
(part of the chat)
Her:I can tell you what I want, you tell me what you want, or perhaps we can do this in the privacy of our own home. I’ll just have to see when she is available. I still feel like I need some time. and then i also miss the hell out of you all, so I don’t know. I don’t know. I know we need to unravel about the last 12 years of our relationship/dealings and kind of correct the mistake and start over. too much got in the way….at first you couldnt’forgive me, and then i am having trouble forgiving you. & myself. all i know is that if you and the girls come home, we will seriously have to control our tempers….for if there are flare ups. we both have been edgy and poky at each other, but probably more me than you because I’ve been over reacting. and who knows…
(her talking about me cooking)
Her: i figured because you’d give me prickly feelings whenever you were cooking…and plus i did the same thing….because i always got complaints from someone. and i don’t like to do it but it makes me feel bad because generally speaking it’s considered the mothers job to do that while the husband relaxes. except when your doing it, I’m not relaxing about it. I’m stressing because I know your mother doesn’t approve and then it makes it difficult to focus on my homwork, which really has become the point of me not cooking recently…except in the mornings when i’m sleeping. which i also hate being met with negativity regarding my sleeping habits. that’s another reason why i’m not quite ready for you to come home yet because i’m not done sleeping. and sleeping. and sleeping.
(After that part, I gave her my “I fucking love cooking” talk. She did continue with more…)
i don’t know if you understand everything I said, but mainly i seek understanding. that’s all. i guess i also have to seek to understand that I can’t be supermom, and if any mom says they are or pretends to be they are lying. we all need help. especially with all the rage about how if we don’t do this and that and that and that we’ll fuck up our kids. which is why I would like for us to plan the occasional day trip somewhere to do something educational and fun with the kids. like [name of place here] type stuff. that that little museum for kids in [name of place here] that’s damn near free to get into. and so that means I’ll have to modify my behavoir a bit. like get up earlier so we can do things other than shopping. lol. I love shopping.
We concluded our talk on a super positive note. We are both ready for us to come home. I know I am. We agreed that a good date would be Thursday. I am interested to see how if things change when we do go home..however we will see. The week is still early.
I am here
Well here I sit. I am not home. I am at a friend’s house.
Today, I was at home. My wife went for a run to start boosting her health. When she got back, I was in the process of eating some ice cream. I offered her some but she had declined. She said she was going to go get some water instead. I said that was fine. I didn’t have any water with me, but I mentioned it was in the kitchen. While walking away, she called me a “shit head”. It caught me off guard and I looked at her. I was so confused, said “what?”. She walked away smiling.
I was seriously so confused, I felt like I missed something. I walked into the kitchen asking for clarification. She would not look at me or acknowledge me. I walked away into the other room. I had nothing positive to add considering I had been blindsided. She later walked in and apologized for being so abrupt and a bitch. I did not acknowledge her. She asked me if I still loved her. I still did not acknowledge her.
Instead, she asked if I could stay away from her for a while. She said she did not feel like she could be around me or the kids, since earlier, she made my oldest daughter cry out of rage. I thought for a moment thinking that I did not want to leave my comfort of home, but it was obviously the best solution. So, we are here. I’m in a room sitting in the dark while my kids sleep. I am typing on my laptop in the dark with only the glow of the display to light my time.
There is obviously more to the story, but it’s very irrelevant right now. It would not add to the context of anything I have to say. Instead, this is just a summary. I brought with me a weeks or so worth of clothing. I am worried about my trip away in a couple of weeks. Even though I will be gone for 4 days, I am worried something will prevent me from going. That will be very bad. I will endeavor to clear it up beforehand so I can make it back in one piece along with whatever family we have here.
Sigh
I’m all over the place with topics today, so bear with me as I try to order things…
My Wife and I had a little spat last night. It was basically a spat involving the way she feels towards me. She says that she doesn’t feel sexual or anything meaningful towards me. I looked at her and told her that I was tired anyway of trying to care. I didn’t care anymore because I am always tired of trying to please her or do anything meaningful. She tried to push the conversation into a fight, but I just walked away telling her that I didn’t care.
I went to sleep believing I was on top. For that night I was. Last night, I continued our spat in a dream. It wasn’t a negative dream, but more of a dream accepting the way things were. I didn’t feel spit or hatred. I just felt like it was the way things turned out. I probably have to be patient, however I think it may be running thin. I was reading a forum where husbands were talking about their sexless marriages. After reading what other husbands wrote in there, I was able to relate to almost every single one of them.
They were talking about wives being callous towards their husbands and not feeling the need to please them. Some women chimed in saying that there was no romance in their relationship. Those I could not agree with. It’s not that I am romantic.. it’s that my wife will not accept me being romantic or sensual to her. I have accepted that fact.
In either case, I felt I had nothing to add to that sort of conversation. I was in the boat they all were in and my experience would add nothing to theirs. All that left me with was depression and thinking of ways to get out of it. There was no real advise on the forum I could adapt. They were just experiences people were writing. Some people dealing with the exact situation I am. Others divorcing and others having affairs.
It almost makes me wish I had someone I could have an affair with. It definitely has crossed my mind. The only problem with that is… I do not meet people on a regular basis. I am in a job where I sit in my own office with a couple other people doing computer work. We are all guys in our company. Go figure. I even pondered looking around other websites..even giving in to peeking at what’s out there. I never indulged into taking action upon it. Just the way I am.. I’m naturally a shy kind of guy. I haven’t dated anyone in almost a decade and everything I know is outdated anyway. Whatever… this is not a ‘poor me post’.
I bet you there are married couples out there that say goodbye every morning to their spouses before they go to work and give kisses goodbye or stuff like that. Affection showing I guess you’d call it. At least a show of appreciation or love. I don’t get any of that really. As I say bye to my wife, she ignores me as she shuffles into the kitchen. She says bye to the kids and gives them kisses and just skips me on her rounds. Doesn’t make me feel good. I feel out of place.
Today, I spoke with my wife for almost 45 minutes at work. She had nothing of interest to talk about. She just talked about her, what she plans to do and other things she is doing. She never really talks about us. Just her. I almost despise talking to her because I wish she would talk about anything besides herself. I’ll take World News, I’ll take Politics that I know nothing about. I’ll take music critiques.. I know everything she has told me. It’s all about her. Nothing about anything else. That’s just my mini rant though.
All I need is a place to go to. Being on the West Coast makes it boring here. I should go to the East Coast or maybe in the middle of the country like Utah or Wyoming. That would be awesome. Maybe i’m just looking for a way to restart my life in a good way without sacrificing the good things I have..like my kids.
*sigh*
I Fucking Love Cooking
Things have been going well! It’s amazing! Here’s the base of my story.
Being as all things with the upcoming seasons, I honor Lent as it comes every year. Last year, I gave up meat and became a vegetarian for more than a month. I figured that would help me focus on something more positive and healthy.
This year, I plan to give up the microwave. Doing this will help me cook more wholesome foods and do what I fucking love. Cook! I fucking love cooking! Last night, I even cooked this kick ass fajitas that would knock you the fuck out. It certainly knocked the kids’ socks off.
In either case, my Wife had opted to give up smoking. However, she gave up smoking as of Saturday. So she spoke to a Doctor regarding her health and asked the doctor what to give up since she gave up smoking early. The doctor told her to give up negative thinking and work towards a positive outcome. My wife told me this and has worked hard to keep positive thoughts and feelings flowing.
The result has been overwhelmingly positive for the family. She is active with the kids, she has not yelled at me or put me down for any reason. She has been thinking very positive in all her actions. I have been sure to even send her positive notes to her cell phone to ensure things remain that way. She is still sensitive in her emotions, but she has been overwhelmingly doing great.
As for cooking, just one more thing.. I fucking love cooking. That is all.. kthxbai
112 Reasons 