Epilogue
Well…so far my ass has been handed to me by the court. Last Wednesday, the court ordered that I have to may my ex’s attorney $7,500. Not exactly my high point. Basically the judge was a substitute judge who didn’t read our paperwork. Not too happy about it, but it is what it is. I’m trying to look at everything as ‘this is the way things have to be’. I’m trying to accept decisions as my path. I don’t know how else to look at it.
I mean sure, it’s depressing, but what can I do? I can appeal, but it’s a double edged sword. I can keep the judgement, or appeal and have it possibly be a $17,500 judgement as they originally went for. I’m not about to make my life $10k worse. That’s my update about that.
I am at the library again, but this time with only one kiddo. My youngest opted to stay home. She was pretty tired from a long day. I can’t say much is new otherwise. I’m stillreading ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’, I’vestopped reading another book I was indulging in. It’s called ‘The Last Testament’. Basically the book is like a tell-all book from god. It’s supposed to be a comedical type of book, but it just really got far out there. I had to stop because it just got ridiculous. I don’t recommend it at all. I mean, the first chapters were ok, but it turned just…bad.
Thats about it really. Next Tuesday, I have court again but it’s to determine assets. There is none so this should be quick. I just don’t need anymore bad things happening. I’m going to emphasize that to my attorney.
My daughter just finished her homework. She’s going to read a bit before we leave the library.
On a side note, updating WordPress through the website on the iPad sucks. The spell corrector is sluggish and gets things wrong and I spend time editing the crappy substitutions. Also did I mention how sluggish and crappy it is? I don’t want touse the app because I don’t need anyone poking around my anonymous writings. On another side note, if you have a twitter account and you’ve poked on my blog…I’m likely following you. And most likely enjoying your tweets. Ok end of my sidetrackedness…
Actually I don’t think I have anything else productful to add. See ya next week I suppose.
Reflection
I have been thiking to myself what I should write about. I don’t want to be negative on my posts, however when anything comes up…it’s usually negative. I want to actually write aboupositive things. I certainly don’t feel positive in my mood these days. I suppose I should start with an update.
Two Wednesdays ago, my ex was dropping off the kids as per court order. During that time, she proceeded to argue withme (in front of the kids) for me to give here some property i still own. I’m holding on to this equipment per suggestion of my attorney until it’s sorted by the court. However she barged into my home and attempted to get it back. Long story short (and after a lot of threats), she left. Nothing else happened afterward, but itwas definitely worth mentioning.
Tomorrow is my court date to determine support. I’m a bit nervous, but also looking forward to getting things out of the way. This has been long overdue.
Lately, I’ve been feeling out of place. Normally I would have confided with my partner my feelings and actually have someone to talk to about these things. I feel alone. I don’t have a partner to confide any feelings or thoughts to and it’s made me felt out of place in the world. It’s one thing to talk to friends or family about things, but it’s a world difference to share your world with others. I miss that companionship. And I wonder if it was all worth it. Once again, I find myself questioning the debt, decisions and changes I have brought upon myself and my family.
This morning before I went to work, I sat and watched my kids sleep. I layer down next to them in bed and watched both my daughters breathe while they slept. I pondered life and my decisions in a single moment of tranquility. It was just me and my kids…thembeing unaware of my presence and thoughts of that moment. I watched them breathe being content and unaware I was watching them. Unaware of my thoughts and feelings and almost depression I am suffering. As I think back to that memory this morning, I return to that moment. I return to the moment I decided to change their lives and my own. To make a change and leave the abuse we both shared. To make things better in the long run for us as a family. I constantly return to the ‘why’ and ask myself if this depression is worth it.
Right now, I am with the kids. I am writing this entry at our local library while they are reading books. I’ve bespent dining time with them weekly at the library so they have a chance to read the books and explore the quiet environment. I can spend a quiet tranquility with them and share their environment. To share my life with them since it’s the only life I have in this phase of existence. I want them to remember how much I love them. I want them to remember the things I am willing to sacrifice for them. To prove to them that I love them much as I say I do. To show them… and ‘know’ the value of their lives and experiences.
Yes, it is all worth it.
Laying Low
So far I have been laying low. Not depressed low, but putting myself in a low impact zone. The kids are doing great, although my youngest has been fighting off a touch of something. Nothing too big. We have been going to the library every Tuesday night. It’s a chance for the kids to check out the books they want to read.. while at the same time trying to soak up all the books there through osmosis. The osmosis thing hasn’t worked out, but at least being in a library gives me the sense of doing something productive. I just wish there were more hours in the day to spend hours there. The kids enjoy it.. I enjoy it.. I just wish there was more time to enjoy it fully.
I have been reading and also listening to Yale and UC Irvine lectures available from iTunes U. The book I just finished was Fight Club. I loved the movie so I decided to look up the novel it was based off of. I have to say that I liked the movie better than the book. It’s a first for me, but at least I understood the movie on a lower level than I did previous. As for lectures, I have been listening to Physics 20b (Introductions to Cosmology), The Civil War and Reconstruction, The American Revolution..and that’s about it. I can’t go into anything else because I want to finish these off first. Working on the self improvement thing.
I have been meaning to catch up on some Walt Whitman. I haven’t done any reading since I was at the University years back. ‘Leaves of Grass’ was a book I found myself drawn to back then. I also want to catch up on T.S Elliot at some point. I need to finish what I started though.
I suppose the real reason I am writing is to vent my frustration about my ex. She filed her taxes and claimed the kids. This of course blocked me from filing my taxes because they won’t accept my claim on the kids. My accountant told me I might have to fight for it with them, however I am awaiting a call back from my Attorney. My Attorney said that since she was not head of household, or had the kids, that she filed improperly. It’s going to be a messy tax season. It’s also frustrating.
Anyway, I better wrap this up. I’m at work and here seems to be the only time I can update. It’s not like much is going on anyway.. just laying low.
112 Reasons 