Reflection

I have been thiking to myself what I should write about. I don’t want to be negative on my posts, however when anything comes up…it’s usually negative. I want to actually write aboupositive things. I certainly don’t feel positive in my mood these days. I suppose I should start with an update.

Two Wednesdays ago, my ex was dropping off the kids as per court order. During that time, she proceeded to argue withme (in front of the kids) for me to give here some property i still own. I’m holding on to this equipment per suggestion of my attorney until it’s sorted by the court. However she barged into my home and attempted to get it back. Long story short (and after a lot of threats), she left. Nothing else happened afterward, but itwas definitely worth mentioning.

Tomorrow is my court date to determine support. I’m a bit nervous, but also looking forward to getting things out of the way. This has been long overdue.

Lately, I’ve been feeling out of place. Normally I would have confided with my partner my feelings and actually have someone to talk to about these things. I feel alone. I don’t have a partner to confide any feelings or thoughts to and it’s made me felt out of place in the world. It’s one thing to talk to friends or family about things, but it’s a world difference to share your world with others. I miss that companionship. And I wonder if it was all worth it. Once again, I find myself questioning the debt, decisions and changes I have brought upon myself and my family.

This morning before I went to work, I sat and watched my kids sleep. I layer down next to them in bed and watched both my daughters breathe while they slept. I pondered life and my decisions in a single moment of tranquility. It was just me and my kids…thembeing unaware of my presence and thoughts of that moment. I watched them breathe being content and unaware I was watching them. Unaware of my thoughts and feelings and almost depression I am suffering. As I think back to that memory this morning, I return to that moment. I return to the moment I decided to change their lives and my own. To make a change and leave the abuse we both shared. To make things better in the long run for us as a family. I constantly return to the ‘why’ and ask myself if this depression is worth it.

Right now, I am with the kids. I am writing this entry at our local library while they are reading books. I’ve bespent dining time with them weekly at the library so they have a chance to read the books and explore the quiet environment. I can spend a quiet tranquility with them and share their environment. To share my life with them since it’s the only life I have in this phase of existence. I want them to remember how much I love them. I want them to remember the things I am willing to sacrifice for them. To prove to them that I love them much as I say I do. To show them… and ‘know’ the value of their lives and experiences.

Yes, it is all worth it.

February 21, 2012 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: depression, divorce, experiences, kids, life | Leave a comment