A Family to Raise and a Life to Live
So life begins a new. It’s a new school year and the kids have prospered well so far. In a twist of fate, my oldest daughter has my youngest daughters old teacher and my younger daughter has my oldest daughters old teacher. How bizarre. I have made amends with past ghosts. When I speak of ghosts, I speak of very personal dealings that I will be vague on.
This whole summer has been spent mostly working and spending time with the kids. I think they are glad school has begun again, but then again they still always complain. It’s still technically summer but we are trying to get back into old habits. For one, I am at the library right now. I think it’s important that we continue this past outing. I may not be able to hit up the library every week but I am going to try.
Now that I am seeing someone, we are trying to make it a point to see each other when we can. Our weekly schedule is based on if I have the kids for the weekend. If I have the kids, I see my girlfriend 2 days out of the week (since I will not likely see her much on the weekend). If I don’t have the kids for the weekend, I will see her only 1 day out of the week and spend the entire weekend with her. It definitely is a mixed mash of scheduling but it gives both of us our together time and alone time. My alone time however is dealt with kids either way.
My girlfriend works at a wine company. Since this is September, this is the time they harvest grapes for wine. She will be working 6 days a week, 12 hours days. She will be on this schedule into November. This will give us less time together. I find that having a girlfriend is busy work. Don’t get me wrong, the sex is great. I have nothing to complain about at all. However juggling work, kids, girlfriend and personal time is difficult. I have opted to out my personal time for now since I have had a ton of it in the past year. I like having the company of others over being alone. That’s my thought anyway.
I have also moved into my new place a couple weeks ago. It’s been a slow process getting the place put into order. I am not done, but I am well on my way. I can’t call it home, since it doesn’t feel that way. I won’t feel comfortable for a while. In fact, I can’t call anywhere my home. It felt more like a drifter if anything. But at least I have a base of operations (it’s the closest thing I can call it).
Life after the divorce has been alright otherwise. My ex is still not the brightest on the planet. Her mom even called me to tell me she thinks she is prostituting herself out. I think that’s a bit exaggerated but I wouldn’t be surprised otherwise. I do know that my ex isn’t treating her mother well. Ever since she moved in with her mom, she has been taking out her aggression on her mom. I have talked with her mom briefly about it. Her mom is a pushover much of the time. However she does put herself in difficult positions. I’m just glad I am not the focus of my ex’s problems anymore. I have a family to raise and a life to live.
That’s it for now. I think I rambled a lot in this post but then again, I don’t get to do that often.
Epilogue
Well… I had an update coming. I haven’t said anything because I thought it was trivial. I suppose I should say something either way.
The Divorce was finalized June 12th. In the settlement, she keeps her debt and I keep mine. She accumulated approximately $12,000 in debt during our separation/divorce. That’s all on her now. I have my own debt to worry about. Also, I have to continue paying her spousal support until November. Afterward, she has to start paying me child support which is $412 a month afterward. I also took her off my car insurance. She wasn’t too happy about that but there isn’t anything she can do about that.
About a week after I had removed her, she called me crying. She wanted to get back together and raise the kids together. I straight up told her “you fucked up”. I went on to tell her that there was no way I was going to put myself in a bad situation anymore and I was moving on with my life. I left the conversation feeling good about my decision. I don’t need anymore redundant poison in my life.
Currently, I’m dating someone who is 2 years younger than I am. She has a masters degree, beautiful and super intelligent. I knew her from one of our clients. When we were idly talking one day, she mentioned that she may not be with the company much longer. I took the initiative and got her information so we could keep in contact. We met up for coffee and hit it off pretty well. We each have our own quirks but the experience from this divorce has given me the ability to see insights that I would have never seen otherwise.
I won’t say much, but needless to say things are going well. I never thought I would be in this position but I am not complaining either. Even the kids like her a lot. I didn’t even know how I was going to introduce her and the kids. We planned a non-casual lunch which went very well. Afterward, a few days later, I told the kids who she was. My kids are accepting of it.
Two weeks ago, my mom had another stroke. This would be her third. It struck her where her first stroke occurred. It wasn’t too bad, but it still knocked out her left side more. She’s ok. She’s doing physical therapy. She has responded well. She hates being as crippled as she is, but she is thankful for being alive. The doctors changed her medication and she has slightly changed her diet.
Anyway, that is my quick update on my life. There is more, but I have no interest in writing more right now. Originally I thought I wanted to write more, but for some reason, my motivation just drained from my body.
Piece of my Soul
There is nothing new to add. No unusual occurrence with my ex. She’s been behaving (mostly). She hasn’t done anything foul since she attacked me a while back.
The kids are doing well. They will be working on science projects this coming week. There is a science fair that is going on and they both are doing projects (as simple as it may be).
My oldest is doing a project in which she determines if microwaved water removes the nutrients from it. She will be testing it on 2 plants (one being the control). I know this project has been done but she doesn’t know that. I’ll let her find that out.
My youngest is doing a project in which she determines which ants like better. Candy or an Apple. It’s simple but then again, she is in the second grade.
Things have literally been uneventful. I started working out again which is a plus I suppose. I am sore a lot of the time but that’s normal. I finished a couple of books so I’m poking around at new books to entertain myself with.
I feel like a loner. I don’t hang out with people much. I only hang out with kids. It’s different when you don’t have a significant other to bounce back with your energy. I still think back. If I didn’t do what I did, then I would not have been granted what I asked for years ago (not telling what). It’s what I wanted. It’s what I asked for. I appreciate what has happened and I am trying to appreciate the significance. It only took many years for it to happen. I need to take it in stride. After all, today..I did it. I talked to them. I talked to them for less than 5 minutes but it happened.
They do know who I am. They know exactly who I am. We acknowledge each other and I just wish there was more to add. I didn’t push it obviously. I think I was too nervous without realizing it.
I just hope I got a piece of my soul back.
Just a Nice Evening
A lot has happened. Most of it is irrelevant to many situations so I will leave it out for now.
Yesterday, the kids were visiting with the ex. During that time, she had promised them that they would go to the arcade that afternoon as soon as she had finished work. I arrived at the arcade and they were no where to be found. When she did arrive, they were noticeably late. Also the kids were upset that she was unable to take them on time to the arcade. The kids and I had made a previous arrangement. She begged me to let them go into the arcade so she could spend time with them.
I relented.
For the first half hour, I waited for them while reading my book. She came out afterward and told me that the kids wanted me in there so they could hang out with me as well. I went in and spent time with the kids while my ex was with them as well. Well.. It was more of one being with one and the other parent being with the other.
At the end of the evening, the kids had their fill of electronic stimulus (myself included), and we left. The evening turned out pretty good for both parties, it also reflects on the fact that it was the first time that my ex and I hang out in the same room for an extended period of time without fighting. I noticed it. She did as well. It was sobering and nostalgic to think of the family we had and will never happen again. Well, it won’t be soon to have another situation like that.
She txt’ed me a thank you as we headed home.
I reflect back upon it and in a sobering sense, I’m glad things are over. I know it sounds like I liked the evening…and I did… I just remember all the horrible things the kids and I have been through. I tolerated her that evening while not thinking of our situation. But I have not forgotten how I was treated and how she treated the kids as well. It was just a nice evening.
Update
I don’t have much to update on. I have a lot of court order stuff I have to comply to this month. A lot of money is going out. The first of many. I’m grateful I have to family to back me up, but I’m peeved I can’t fully support myself. I still will not hate. I refuse to put myself in the negative when it comes to thinking and emotions. She frustrates me a lot, but I will not hate. I can’t stoop to that level.
I’m still reading my several books. I did start another one though. I’m reading about the ‘Akashic Records’. Mostly on it’s function and place with people. It’s a little outside my perception of reading but it seemed interesting. So far it is. I would like to find more modern association with it.
I was also reading on ‘Edgar Cayce’. He seems to have an impact on this way of thinking in today’s standard. I’m not sure about the stuff behind him, but it makes for interesting reading. I am keeping an open mind on it. I might read more, but I need to finish what I started first.
The kids have been doing good. They got a paper today about doing a science fair thing. They both want to put an entry into the fair, but have yet to decide what they’re going to do. Well, my oldest knows, but my youngest isn’t quite there yet.
The ex gets the kids this weekend. She had them last weekend, but then again it’s part of the deal. They have spring break so not having them this weekend will be a bummer. Otherwise this weekend would have been a great time in the spending. We do plan to watch movies tonight with some ice cream since they do not have school tomorrow. It won’t make up for the weekend but it’ll still be fun.
I wrote my first private post today. I don’t mean to hide it, but it contains hyper-super important events and details that are personal to me. One day, I will convey them, but now I will not. I don’t know why I have to keep it private. I just do. It’s personal…to me.. I don’t know how else to say it.
I suppose I could say it has to do with someone I knew a long time ago. There were situations that are inconsequential, but still strike at my heart. I don’t know why. But it does. And it will remain private for now.
I guess that’s all I really had to say. I haven’t been very philosophical lately. I guess it’s been the financial stress I am under. It won’t let up for several months. It will be a true test of myself I suppose.
What do I Have to Lose?
I had an epiphany this week. A scary one at that too. I came to the realization that my wife could end up being the primary parent for the kids. I mean… There is a good chance she won’t be, but with my luck so far… I wouldn’t put it past the winds of fate so far.
I went into a mini-anxiety attack thinking about it. In turn though, it does make me appreciate them more. I have spent probably 1000% more time with them and just holding them closer. They don’t even realize the impact they have on me. Well… I think they have an idea… But still I wouldn’t know what to do if they were taken away from me.
I’ve already started putting a list together of reasons for them to stay with me as primary parent. The primary reason is, my ex still is very aggressive and even pushed me a couple weeks ago. It’s funny because ever since she did… She has been strangely nice to me.
Bringing my thoughts back… I don’t think I could stand losing the kids. I am going to fight for them. They are in an environment perfect for their growth. If they go with her, they will stunt and not use their full potential. I can’t have that. I won’t allow it. I will fight it the best I can.
Being alone as a parent is hard sometimes. I hope all this stuff is worth it in the end. It’s my only hope right now. It doesn’t seem like it is… But what else do I have to lose? Well– my kids. Otherwise.. Nothing else I suppose.
And She Waved, Purposely.
Well, we have moved our library visits to Thursday. Tuesday’s are much too busy to do them anymore. My oldest has softball practice and by the time she gets home, it’s time to do homework and shower. So… Thursday’s it is!
Not much has happened lately. Just the usual day in and day out stuff that normally occurs. I did however get my tax refund. That means that my ex got an audit. She tried to claim the kids on her taxes, however we wrote the IRS and gave them a copy of the court order. I’m sure if something happens, we will never hear about it. It’d ok though… Good riddance. Right?
I’m still reading ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’. Tomorrow I will be taking the kids to sushi with me. It will be our time, however we are meeting some friends there too. I fixed their laptop the other week when they left on a trip.
A word on this couple. They are in their mid to early twenties. They have a son together. He originally is a friend of my brother. He’s a musician and someone who relies heavily on pot. He is at a job waiting tables and he has two bachelor degrees. He’s very capable but not motivated. He also gets depressed like i did but more on that later. She is very young and a new mother too. She enjoys her son and also cannot eat gluten because of a medical condition. I think she has baby fever..secretly wanting more kids. However given the circumstances, they cannot afford to have more kids. She doesn’t work and he doesn’t pull in enough.
The reason they are significant to me is because they remind me a lot of how my ex and I used to be when my oldest daughter was born. Right down to the depression when I couldn’t find a job. I do what I can to help, but given the limited circumstances (and lack of motivation on their part), it just sucks.
The one thing though, is I am able to talk to her freely. I sort of associate myself with her being the missing person that my ex is now. We talk a lot. Almost dangerously a lot when we converse. I don’t want to sabotage anything… And I won’t. They are family friends and I am not going to do anything to destroy that. It’s just that I tend to gravitate towards her when the opportunity arises..and she reciprocates back. I know there is more than I am telling.. But that’s the jest of it. It’s just something that has to be mentioned and taken off the chest.
Moving on…well there is not much else to move on to so I guess I’ll end there.
Oh yah, yesterday, she waved…purposely. Hmm….
Sleepless Overthinking
It’s late. I cannot sleep tonight. I have too many things buzzing in my head. I guess they’ve been plaguing me all weekend.
Ever since I had that judgement against me for support, i’ve been in fear. In fear that I may lose the kids. I have been fortunate enough to have them a majority of the time. They’ve prospered greatly under my care. I’m just afraid to lose them. I have the thoughts going over and over in my head wondering what I would do. I keep wondering what I can do to prepare myself in case the issue arises and I have to fight. I know I shouldn’t be worried about things like this at this late hour. I guess I can’t help it. I’ve also been preoccupied by the amount of money I owe. I know I will have to face the issue soon. Negotiations between the two attorneys are still in effect. It’s just wasted money though. I know it, and I secretly hate it. It’s stupid.
I have also been depressed lately. It’s understandable considering the circumstances. I can’t really do anything about it. I feel like i’m stuck in a loop. I keep wondering to myself what sort of karma had put me in this situation. I keep going over the numbers and events in my life. I am wondering what I can learn from past and present events. How did things get so bad? I know all these events will end. It doesn’t feel like it. Emotions say one thing. Logic says another. I have to keep trudging. It’s hard though..but I have to be strong. I have to do it for my kids.
I don’t over think too much these days. This is the first time in many many years that I actually stayed up over thinking things. It’s not normal for me.. and I can’t tell if I am having a silent anxiety attack. That’s the only thing I think is happening to me. I don’t panic.. I just over think things. I had to take a melatonin a few minutes ago to see if I can sleep.
I just want peace in my life.
Epilogue
Well…so far my ass has been handed to me by the court. Last Wednesday, the court ordered that I have to may my ex’s attorney $7,500. Not exactly my high point. Basically the judge was a substitute judge who didn’t read our paperwork. Not too happy about it, but it is what it is. I’m trying to look at everything as ‘this is the way things have to be’. I’m trying to accept decisions as my path. I don’t know how else to look at it.
I mean sure, it’s depressing, but what can I do? I can appeal, but it’s a double edged sword. I can keep the judgement, or appeal and have it possibly be a $17,500 judgement as they originally went for. I’m not about to make my life $10k worse. That’s my update about that.
I am at the library again, but this time with only one kiddo. My youngest opted to stay home. She was pretty tired from a long day. I can’t say much is new otherwise. I’m stillreading ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’, I’vestopped reading another book I was indulging in. It’s called ‘The Last Testament’. Basically the book is like a tell-all book from god. It’s supposed to be a comedical type of book, but it just really got far out there. I had to stop because it just got ridiculous. I don’t recommend it at all. I mean, the first chapters were ok, but it turned just…bad.
Thats about it really. Next Tuesday, I have court again but it’s to determine assets. There is none so this should be quick. I just don’t need anymore bad things happening. I’m going to emphasize that to my attorney.
My daughter just finished her homework. She’s going to read a bit before we leave the library.
On a side note, updating WordPress through the website on the iPad sucks. The spell corrector is sluggish and gets things wrong and I spend time editing the crappy substitutions. Also did I mention how sluggish and crappy it is? I don’t want touse the app because I don’t need anyone poking around my anonymous writings. On another side note, if you have a twitter account and you’ve poked on my blog…I’m likely following you. And most likely enjoying your tweets. Ok end of my sidetrackedness…
Actually I don’t think I have anything else productful to add. See ya next week I suppose.
Reflection
I have been thiking to myself what I should write about. I don’t want to be negative on my posts, however when anything comes up…it’s usually negative. I want to actually write aboupositive things. I certainly don’t feel positive in my mood these days. I suppose I should start with an update.
Two Wednesdays ago, my ex was dropping off the kids as per court order. During that time, she proceeded to argue withme (in front of the kids) for me to give here some property i still own. I’m holding on to this equipment per suggestion of my attorney until it’s sorted by the court. However she barged into my home and attempted to get it back. Long story short (and after a lot of threats), she left. Nothing else happened afterward, but itwas definitely worth mentioning.
Tomorrow is my court date to determine support. I’m a bit nervous, but also looking forward to getting things out of the way. This has been long overdue.
Lately, I’ve been feeling out of place. Normally I would have confided with my partner my feelings and actually have someone to talk to about these things. I feel alone. I don’t have a partner to confide any feelings or thoughts to and it’s made me felt out of place in the world. It’s one thing to talk to friends or family about things, but it’s a world difference to share your world with others. I miss that companionship. And I wonder if it was all worth it. Once again, I find myself questioning the debt, decisions and changes I have brought upon myself and my family.
This morning before I went to work, I sat and watched my kids sleep. I layer down next to them in bed and watched both my daughters breathe while they slept. I pondered life and my decisions in a single moment of tranquility. It was just me and my kids…thembeing unaware of my presence and thoughts of that moment. I watched them breathe being content and unaware I was watching them. Unaware of my thoughts and feelings and almost depression I am suffering. As I think back to that memory this morning, I return to that moment. I return to the moment I decided to change their lives and my own. To make a change and leave the abuse we both shared. To make things better in the long run for us as a family. I constantly return to the ‘why’ and ask myself if this depression is worth it.
Right now, I am with the kids. I am writing this entry at our local library while they are reading books. I’ve bespent dining time with them weekly at the library so they have a chance to read the books and explore the quiet environment. I can spend a quiet tranquility with them and share their environment. To share my life with them since it’s the only life I have in this phase of existence. I want them to remember how much I love them. I want them to remember the things I am willing to sacrifice for them. To prove to them that I love them much as I say I do. To show them… and ‘know’ the value of their lives and experiences.
Yes, it is all worth it.
Laying Low
So far I have been laying low. Not depressed low, but putting myself in a low impact zone. The kids are doing great, although my youngest has been fighting off a touch of something. Nothing too big. We have been going to the library every Tuesday night. It’s a chance for the kids to check out the books they want to read.. while at the same time trying to soak up all the books there through osmosis. The osmosis thing hasn’t worked out, but at least being in a library gives me the sense of doing something productive. I just wish there were more hours in the day to spend hours there. The kids enjoy it.. I enjoy it.. I just wish there was more time to enjoy it fully.
I have been reading and also listening to Yale and UC Irvine lectures available from iTunes U. The book I just finished was Fight Club. I loved the movie so I decided to look up the novel it was based off of. I have to say that I liked the movie better than the book. It’s a first for me, but at least I understood the movie on a lower level than I did previous. As for lectures, I have been listening to Physics 20b (Introductions to Cosmology), The Civil War and Reconstruction, The American Revolution..and that’s about it. I can’t go into anything else because I want to finish these off first. Working on the self improvement thing.
I have been meaning to catch up on some Walt Whitman. I haven’t done any reading since I was at the University years back. ‘Leaves of Grass’ was a book I found myself drawn to back then. I also want to catch up on T.S Elliot at some point. I need to finish what I started though.
I suppose the real reason I am writing is to vent my frustration about my ex. She filed her taxes and claimed the kids. This of course blocked me from filing my taxes because they won’t accept my claim on the kids. My accountant told me I might have to fight for it with them, however I am awaiting a call back from my Attorney. My Attorney said that since she was not head of household, or had the kids, that she filed improperly. It’s going to be a messy tax season. It’s also frustrating.
Anyway, I better wrap this up. I’m at work and here seems to be the only time I can update. It’s not like much is going on anyway.. just laying low.
Epilogue
I had mediation yesterday. It was very quick and painless. In a nutshell, I put what I wanted on the table and my concerns. She came in and announced what she wanted on a piece of paper. In conclusion, the court will decide the fate of our kids. I am a bit concerned since both of us said we each wanted to be the primary parent of the kids. I’m just afraid the court will grant it to her. The only thing I have going for her is that I filed an emergency screening with the court and listed her as an incompetent parent. I am just not putting a lot of my faith in the court system, but I do have a bad ass attorney.
I have spending an enormous amount of time with the kids. I keep thinking what it would be like not having them. I feel so blessed to have them, it’s almost hard to explain. Even if it’s just watching tv together, it’s a blessing to have them. This weekend, if it gets cold enough in our area.. the kids and I are going to have a night where we built forts in our living room next to the fire and fall asleep. After looking at the weather, it’s not likely to happen but I think I will make it happen anyway. Gotta have forts–and make memories of them!
Last weekend, I watched ‘Fight Club’. I tend to watch that movie once every year or so. It’s a sobering movie for me. I tend to watch it when I am in a depressed state, and last weekend was no exception. Afterward, I decided to read the novel it was based off of. I’d have to say the movie is more exciting than the way the book is brought out to be. I’m about halfway though. Very interesting and worth checking out if you are a fan of the movie.
I’ve been having a hard time finding connection with anyone. I can’t talk to just anyone about everyday things.. i’m missing that intimate connection with someone. I have no one to vent to, I have no one to talk about life to. This is the hardest part about the divorce. I need to separate myself though. I need to become emotionally, spiritually and mentally independent again.. just like water evaporates from a saltwater solution to leave the salt.
I hate writing depressing posts but I can’t erase it either. I have promised myself that the backspace and delete buttons are only for correction. It makes for more interesting concepts to look back upon later on when things aren’t so bad.
Oh yah, I have not caught up to anyone’s blog posts or commented or anything. I’m very far behind. Just because I don’t write anything doesn’t mean I am not there or read it. Please understand that.
I wish I had something more inspirational to say. I do have those moments at the worst times and I can never remember them. I’ll en devour to fix that tho. I promise.
Adventure Awaits
It’s the start of the New Year. I didn’t do anything crazy on the day. Well, maybe had one too many shots but I was definitely within reason and control. No drunk calling, no un-necessary actions. It turned out well.
My youngest daughter called me shortly after the New Year. I never expected her to call. Especially considering my ex makes it difficult to talk to them when they are with her. Anyway, she called and wished me a happy New Year. I chatted with her for a little bit afterward. Confirmed her and my oldest was having fun and making sure everything was alright. I spoke to my oldest afterward and wished her a Happy New Year.
My oldest was upset that we had a party without her. I can’t exactly tell her why she couldn’t be with us. Both my ex and I are not allowed to talk about court stuff to them. I reassured her that before my brother went back to teach, we would have a party. I even told her she could stay up as late as she wants.
That leaves us to today. This morning, I am picking the kids up at 10am. My brother will be coming with me and after we pick them up, we will be going out to eat. The restaurant we are going to is my brothers favorite place to go. The kids enjoy going because they enjoy his company.
After we eat lunch, we will be going to the local art museum. The kids enjoy trips like these so it will be a great day to go.No work to worry about, no deadlines, no schedules (other than the pickup). The kids don’t know we are going to the museum yet. It’s more of a surprise.
I will only have the kids for today and tomorrow. Then they go back to their mom for the rest of the week. I will pick them up Sunday morning and get them ready for the beginning of school in the new year.
Well, I am off. I woke my brother up (for the second time) just right now. Adventure awaits us.
It’s Time to Catch my Train – (Happy New Years)
Well the New Year is upon us. I can definitely say I was able to complete my resolution by making a complete change in my life. It’s all for the better.
As I reflect upon the choices I have made, I find myself secretly looking for new resolutions to try and take upon myself. My friend told me once that goals should be made in a steady stream. Not in blocks to accomplish in one batch.
I haven’t taken his thought into serious consideration. Maybe it’s because I don’t work that way. I am still pondering what sort of goals to accomplish for my kids and left over family.
It brings me back to Lent. A couple years ago for Lent, I gave up meat. It was definitely something new to try and very rewarding to walk on the other side of the line when it happened. I almost want to do something just as challenging, but I don’t think I am in the right motivation to keep things that way.
Maybe instead, I will just work on getting myself out of this hole i’m finding myself in. Well, I can’t say it’s really a hole. It’s just a different lifestyle. I don’t have a wife anymore. I have my kids most of the time. I don’t have any abuse happening anymore. I’m even talking to old friends and getting out more than usual.
I don’t have all the answers. Especially when it comes to how things are going to be unraveled. I hope the kids turn out alright. That’s my main concern. They seem alright. It’s hard to tell since I never in my life went through a parental divorce like they have. A friend told me once that kids are resilient and they will be ok. So far, her words have proven true. I wish I didn’t have to put them through that.
I believe people who are in relationships are always with the right person. It’s just that sometimes when relationships don’t work out, it just means they are not the right person for them at that time. After all, when people are happy, it always seems right. Life lessons are meant to be learned by the people we meet along the way (at least that is what I am starting to believe).
I just hope I have learned my life lessons needed from this relationship. New ones are probably popping up and I am not aware of them yet. We’ll see.
So… upon reflection… I don’t think I have resolutions yet. I think this next year will be batting down the hatches to ensure the kids turn out alright. It’s time to move into the future and not to look back.
Cheers to all of you to a Happy New Year. Thanks for bearing with my weird stories and ideas that no one else ever gets to hear in reality. I never get the chance to talk about this to anyone. But at least it’s good to know people are reading and it’s out there somewhere.
I have also added more links to those people I have subscribed to and even though I have a hard time catching up, I do read every single post on these links. Sometimes it does take a while to catch up.
I’ll leave you with a quote I heard recently. Happy New Years to everyone. 🙂
“Moving on to the future without letting go of the past is like tying your arm to a post while catching a train”
As They Sleep Soundly
I’m up earlier than usual. The kids are sleeping soundly. I started reflecting on the situation. In the beginning, my wife kept telling me that I was dragging her through the mud. She wanted to keep insulting me and fighting with me while I was avoiding drama.
It’s apparent to me that we are dragging the kids through the mud.
Seven months later, we are no closer to talking to each other. She is trying to be friends but I’m not allowing it. The only reason she wants to be friends is because she is in trouble with the court. She knows it. And knowing her, she is going to try and wiggle her way back so I can call things off so she doesn’t get in trouble. I have known her for almost 20 years. I’m not going to let her manipulate me anymore.
The kids are breathing very soundly. It’s difficult to imagine what they are going through. I love them with all my heart and I am willing to sacrifice anything and everything for them. Yet, I still can’t imagine what it’s like for them to have divorcing parents.
I’m fortunate enough to have parents that are still together. I’m very fortunate to have a family that takes care of each other like it does. The kids are fortunate to be involved in that family.
It’s time to wake them for school now. They won’t be at their moms house this weekend. We will be setting up Christmas lights (hopefully) and making Christmas cookies. Doing the things a family should do in this time of year. Hopefully, I will have time to read and spend time with friends.
I don’t miss their mom, but I miss my family.
I’m just a normal person with a story, just like everyone else.
I have not been keeping on track for enlightenment. I should be listening to the stories of Dali Lama but instead I have been indulging myself in the stories of Oscar Wilde. I have to say he is a great author. He must of been a great comedian of his time (of some sort). He wrote many witty quotes and what seems to be compelling arguments for his time. His comedy almost transitions to ours, however it is a bit outdated. I give him a big thumbs up in regards to getting his point across with a sense of humor. I haven’t even scratched the surface of his works either.
Moving on, the other day, my ex’s car broke down. She tried to get me to tow her car to a repair shop in which I politely declined. Although she was extremely rude to me afterward, I couldn’t help but be preoccupied and eventually pissed off at her for even considering to call me in regards to her problem. This is where the talks of Dali Lama could have come in. I needed that serene state of mind he promotes. I could have used some clarity of mind and prevention of over-thinking.
I felt that I poisoned my day with that thinking. I let her live in my head rent free. It was bothersome to know that she got to me on that level. I feel like I should know better. Stupid emotions.
As it turns out, the cables on the battery had detached themselves from the battery. She later emailed me making outrageous claims that I sabotaged her car (while I was at work). This morning, she wrote me an apology.. actually.. I’m going to post it.. hold on (gets email)…
I’m spilling the beans. I should not have accused you of messing with my car. I’m sorry. Forgive me?? :o/
–[ex wife]
I still care about you by the way. I’m not trying to take anything from you. I’m ok with divorce. I just need to make sure that I sill can have my children and survive without the mishaps that come to those near destitution. I know that we can be sure our kids are raised BY EVERYONE with the utmost of care…I’d like to model more maturity to the kids…*hint hint* not just be it outwardly but inwardly as well. Our daughters love us both. We love them both. If the two of us step into genuineness in all aspects of our lives… so that I AM (or IT IS) our core… which they can feel and either choose to live their lives consciously or unconsciously when they reach adulthood. Lasciviousness comes from that which still hides with in us (judgement, control, guilt: all which lead to immaturity). And insane acts of joy if we get this right. :o)
I am supposed to have sympathy for all beings. Who says?..Dali Lama.
He also says that if you cannot do compassion, then please don’t do harm. I refused to help her. I will not give compassion to her. However I will not harm her either. (she tends to shoot herself in the foot anyway).
In other news, I can’t say anything else is new really. I will not bore you with the projects I am working at work. It’s all nerdy stuff.. I guarantee it.
My kids are doing great. My oldest got the “Principal’s Honor Roll” at her school. It’s the highest honor for honor roll. She basically got the highest grades in the school. I’m very proud of her. She has improved so much since we got them out of that poisoned environment. Same with my youngest. She has improved, however she doesn’t get awards until she is in fourth grade. Only 2 more years to go. Maybe one day I will post my oldest’s award on here. Ok so I did. Too bad.
I’m not afraid to reveal myself to the world anymore. The only person I was afraid of was my ex, but that was during a time we were together. If you want to know who I am, I just may tell you. It’s of no importance I assure you. I’m just a normal person with a story, just like everyone else.
[edit: OMG.. I had horrible grammar here. People please correct me. Just because I don’t proof read my posts doesn’t mean anyone can’t correct me. I’m going to fix a few things.. But please..don’t let me get away with stupid stuff. No one wants to read my posts and feel like they are going through a cheese slicer.] 🙂
I never get used to it
It’s her weekend to have the kids. I never get used to it. It’s weird being here alone without the kids to occupy my time and life. She gets them less than I do. I’m so used to the bustling of life around here. When I am running solo for a weekend.. I find myself with little run off of. I’ll be fine though. I’m just not used to it.
Lessons to be Learned
Some time has passed. I’ve ignored everyone. Not out of spite, but giving myself time of reflection. It’s easy to continue living life.
I needed a chance to reflect on what’s happened. This may not make much sense, even to me now, I mean..i’m just an ex-boyfriend, but one of the things i’m learning as i’m getting little older is that I wish I had more time in my youth to really absorb all the things that i’ve experienced. It goes by so fast. It’s so easy to become jaded, to treat the “extraordinary” like just another day. But sometimes there are things which transcend all that. I may have had that.. although i’m not sure and I want to live with it for a little while. Write about it, or think about it in silence with unseen forces looking over my shoulder. Express myself in some fashion, even if no one else notices or see it themselves.
I’ve had time to do just that.. reflect.. speak over my shoulder in hopes that someone in some other frequency can hear me even though I can’t hear them. It’s been occurring since she died.
This divorce that I am going through.. means nothing. Divorce.. to me.. seems like a breeze compared to the reflections, memories and review upon my own life. I find myself looking over my choices to ensure I don’t make the same mistake twice. I don’t want to repeat what I have done. No one deserves the crap I gave her years back. I need to make sure this lesson has been learned. It’s not for her sake.. but for my own. When I die, I want to make sure I can look back and tell myself “yes.. I learned my lesson. Here’s how I changed things”.
What was my lesson? To be honest to your significant other. Don’t lie and be honest. Don’t be stupid and hurtful..but overall, be honest.
The Day after Labor day was the memorial. It took 2 hours to get up there..but I went and payed my respects. The photo movie they showed had a bunch of pictures I had taken way back in the day. Her sister who put the pictures together added them since it showed her at the prime of her life. The memorial was short, but it was lively. About 100 people showed up being a mixture of family and friends. I was the only ex-boyfriend who came.
Afterwards, there was a reception. The kids were eating and the littlest looked at me really hard. He pointed at me and yelled ‘Hey! I know you!”. I kneeled down and smiled. “Hey! I know you too!” I proclaimed. He smiled and continued to eat. I went inside the hall and found the 3 older boys sitting down and eating. I sat right by them and we started talking and playing around. The 3rd oldest who had a problem talking to me last time, was active and talking to me. He was a rambunctious little kid. He took to me immediately and we started playing. Granted I was encouraging the kids to do rude things.. it was nice being able to sit down and interacting with them and having them acknowledge me as someone who cared as a friend. In secret, I wanted to take a picture with them, however I think at that point it would have been inappropriate. I just enjoyed their company.
After they had eaten, we went outside and they continued playing. The oldest one came to me and started talking about the latest game he was playing. He was particular to me because the game he was playing was an old game I used to play years back so he was telling me everything I already knew about it. I just listened because he was the only one who didn’t care in the active running around and misbehaving his brothers were taking to. He was more interested in talking to me as an equal since I used to share in his activity. I was eager to accept what he said too.
Given the almost uncontrollable nature of the 4 kids.. I could only look upon them with care. It’s the least I could do.. Their Dad is going to have a tough time getting through this loss and he could use all the help he could get.
When it was time to depart, The Husband/Dad came to me. He thanked me for coming and he said he appreciated me coming to pay my respects. I thanked him for having me and I wished him the best. I also told him that if he needed anything to let me know. I am around in case he needs help. Granted he may live 5 hours away, I will do my damnedest to help him and the kids.. or at least make life easier. He left back to his home.. and I departed shortly afterward.
It’s time for me to start my new life. Without my soon to be ex-wife. Today, I have to contact my attorney and drop off another $5,000 check. Expensive..yes.. but considering my kids, it’s worth every penny. The side effect is…yes I am dead broke. I can barely make things on my own. Friends have been super supportive and my family has helped out way more than the gratitude I can express.
The update on that so far is this.. we had the court date. My Wife now has joint custody but I am the primary residence. She can only see the kids every other weekend and every Wednesday. It will have to even out before the divorce is final, but she has been ordered for evaluations concerning her mental well being. I have a court date scheduled for November in which there will be a review on how things are going. I am not concerned too much about that.
As I said.. the divorce is a breeze considering what has happened in the past few weeks. That’s the only update I really have right now. I’ve been emotionally tied up with little to talk about to anyone. I have tried to appear strong in front of my kids, and I am ready to take the steps to move on.
I leave you now with a short section of one of the last journal entries my friend left the world. Please take this to heart as it are part of life lessons everyone can learn from.
“Never in a billion years would I have ever thought this would be my life. I expected to go to college, become a teacher or something, not have kids, and be healthy forever. Instead I never went to college, have no career, 4 kids,(which is the part id never take back) and I am living with cancer. My life is nothing like I thought it would be at all. But its MINE.
Why hate what you cant change, or doesnt effect you? Why be angry over problems you cant make better? So I have been making an effort to be more positive and have been trying very hard to FEEL positive. To KNOW I can or will, not just to THINK it.”
She’s Gone
She passed away on Wednesday 8/24/2011. I was in court when it happened. I didn’t make it to say goodbye. Her husband opted to do it while she was able to be aroused to see her kids one last time and hold them. When they stopped the machines, she went quickly.
I went to visit the family yesterday. I was choked up half the time. I was introduced to their family as a friend of their mom/wife. Her husband was warm to me, however you could see how unsettled he was towards me. I think he might have been trying to put a front up not to look weak in front of me. I know this because I was trying to do that to him. The room was heavy and dark with what had happened. It wasn’t the lighting.. or it might have been. The feeling was more heavy though. Everyone was trying to live, but how could they ignore what happened? The room was a reflection of that.
Their kids are great kids. No..seriously, they are great! They’re smart and witty and just plain awesome. The third oldest was taking it the hardest. He wouldn’t talk to me. He stared at me. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. He tried so hard to wall it up. His face reflected mine. I tried so hard not to cry in front of her kids. I didn’t want to start anything. Instead I interacted with them and tried to learn more about them. I could see the love emanating from their hearts. Some more hurt than others.
I was there for maybe 15-20 minutes. I wish I had more time to spend with them. I wish I could help them. I can’t yet.. but somehow I will. Until then.. We all have to accept has happened.
Today has been the easiest so far. I haven’t choked as much. I am able to see pictures. I do however miss her kids. I don’t know why.. I just do. Maybe it’s because they are a spitting image of their mother, and I miss her as much as the family does.
Update
Here’s the update as it is…
My friend in the hospital is still on earth. She’s still on ventilators and machines, but they are working at 65% instead of the full 100%. Still sending prayers her way…
Second.. my wife has..well she is burying herself. I received a call from her mom this past Friday. She told me to expect a letter from her detailing what my wife had told her. She said that my wife committed herself to a 3 day mental hold. This happened last month. My wife has also started sleeping with the crippled neighbor she befriended sometime ago. Did I mention he was in his 60s… (My Wife is 30). Her mom told me that disturbed her the most. Not only is he way older than her and crippled, he is also in a gang (along with his son). She told me she didn’t want her daughter (my wife) to have the kids because she was too concerned for the well being of the kids.
As I have passed this information to the attorney, this weekend has been the most nerve wracked and hurtful weekend of my life. My wife has not improved herself at all. Instead, she is sleeping around and putting herself in a position that is deteriorating to her well being.
I constantly have to tell myself that it’s for the greater good of the kids. It’s so hard looking at them though. I see their mom in their faces. It’s a constant reminder of her. But also a reminder of why I am doing this. It’s very very hard emotionally. The kids witnessed it. They know something is wrong. They don’t fully understand why I was depressed this weekend.
I have to keep going though. For the greater good of the kids.
It Begins (again)
Today, my wife was supposed to drop off the kids. When queried her about it, she told me that I was not going to see the kids without a court order.
I half expected this. On Monday, she was served with an eviction notice. She called me that day insulting me and trying to bully me into working an agreement on her terms. My terms were non-negotiable.
My attorney has taken the information down on what she has done and told me she plans to file on Friday for a court order. It’s nerve racking. I’m being impatient with the process.
I know I need to bring everything up to date since things last happened here. I will. Right now, I am using this as a vent and history time line for me. You just get to participate right now in that.
Anyway, I feel better since I spoke to my aunt today. She reassured me that what I am doing is right. My wife has shot herself in the foot many times. She is backed in a corner though. That’s why she is squirming.
I didn’t want this. She didn’t expect this. She set herself up for it. She isn’t doing things the legal way. I am.
It’s Been a While
It’s Been a While.. and it’s been kind of nice. Well not at home mostly.. but taking a break from writing and brooding.
I have been writing with expectations that I would get things off my chest. And while that has been working for me, it’s been redundant. I hate being redundant. We all know that I don’t have the best relationship in the world, but I hate writing the same thing over and over again.
For example, I get yelled at, put on the hook and even blamed on (cause my wife got fired for not waking up for work last week — true story). We all know where it goes, but it all comes down to being the same old thing. I opted to just not write about it anymore. It happens and not much changes after that. I still haven’t had sex with my wife in 2 months and she still has no effort in loving or caring about me. She’s a roommate ..remember?
I’d like to write more about good stuff, but I don’t have any good stuff to write about. Strike that.. lemme backtrack a tad..
Remember my friend? The one who I spend time with every now and then. Yah..she got back with her ex husband and came to me because things weren’t working out between them. She said she would rather have me around than him. Interesting twist non-the-less. I try not to interrupt her life much, but I do get to see her every week or so just to chat.
I have an ex girlfriend whom came to my daughter’s b-day party last weekend with her son. She is not working out with her boyfriend and we met again last night to have the kids play together.
I don’t think the Universe is lining things up for me (I would know), but in either case.. it’s good to know I haven’t been forgotten. I’ve been trying to remake the ties with my old friends. Especially the ones whom I have lost contact with over the years. I need to get back to basics. Friendship. I need to know I am still alive because I feel like a hollow shell sometimes when I am at home.
(Interrupted..she just called)
Anyway, things are not bad at the house right now. They’re not the best either. We just kind of exist right now. I am tired of existing. I am ready to live my life. This is the first step.
112 Reasons 