Update
I don’t have much to update on. I have a lot of court order stuff I have to comply to this month. A lot of money is going out. The first of many. I’m grateful I have to family to back me up, but I’m peeved I can’t fully support myself. I still will not hate. I refuse to put myself in the negative when it comes to thinking and emotions. She frustrates me a lot, but I will not hate. I can’t stoop to that level.
I’m still reading my several books. I did start another one though. I’m reading about the ‘Akashic Records’. Mostly on it’s function and place with people. It’s a little outside my perception of reading but it seemed interesting. So far it is. I would like to find more modern association with it.
I was also reading on ‘Edgar Cayce’. He seems to have an impact on this way of thinking in today’s standard. I’m not sure about the stuff behind him, but it makes for interesting reading. I am keeping an open mind on it. I might read more, but I need to finish what I started first.
The kids have been doing good. They got a paper today about doing a science fair thing. They both want to put an entry into the fair, but have yet to decide what they’re going to do. Well, my oldest knows, but my youngest isn’t quite there yet.
The ex gets the kids this weekend. She had them last weekend, but then again it’s part of the deal. They have spring break so not having them this weekend will be a bummer. Otherwise this weekend would have been a great time in the spending. We do plan to watch movies tonight with some ice cream since they do not have school tomorrow. It won’t make up for the weekend but it’ll still be fun.
I wrote my first private post today. I don’t mean to hide it, but it contains hyper-super important events and details that are personal to me. One day, I will convey them, but now I will not. I don’t know why I have to keep it private. I just do. It’s personal…to me.. I don’t know how else to say it.
I suppose I could say it has to do with someone I knew a long time ago. There were situations that are inconsequential, but still strike at my heart. I don’t know why. But it does. And it will remain private for now.
I guess that’s all I really had to say. I haven’t been very philosophical lately. I guess it’s been the financial stress I am under. It won’t let up for several months. It will be a true test of myself I suppose.
Untold Goals and Updates
I had my mediation today. It’s also fair to mention that she did not show up. She apparently didn’t know about it. I won’t go into the detail of that, but I will say she was not responsible for knowing when and where to be.
In mediation there wasn’t nothing big to really talk about. Well there was, but I don’t like talking about it. We just talked about the domestic violence stuff I filed during the emergency screening. I had to talk about the abuse that occurred between myself and my wife. It was so long ago, it was like trying to remember a foggy day. I knew about the things that happened, but I am so eager to forget them. I had to think back.. especially since all of this started about a year ago (the worst part of the relationship anyway). A lot of guess work and giving terms like ‘yearish’ became a norm this morning. I did file a notion to get full legal custody but keep the joint physical custody so the kids can see their mom. They need their mom even though I don’t need her. It has already struck me a few times that I will not be with anyone for Christmas. Granted I will have my immediate family and the kids.. but for the first time in 10 or so years.. I won’t be with anyone. It’s disturbing but also a relief. In a sense, I miss caring for someone as a husband. It was my choice to do this. I still stick by it.
Lately I have been working really hard on improving how I look at things. I have been working out.. however.. I am talking more of the spiritual sense. Well not even really spiritual. I never considered myself that kind of person. I still don’t. I’ve been reading a lot about Buddhism lately and I have been doing it not to look for something but to change my way of thinking.
I find myself dealing with emotionally draining situations and i’ll even put myself in a mindset that spirals me down into depression. I’ve been wanting to relieve myself from turmoil so during this time, so i’ve been looking into changing my way of thinking. I’m currently reading a book by the Dali Lama called ‘How to Practice the way to a Meaningful Life’. It sounds almost cliche to self-help books and probably in a way it is.. but after digesting a good portion of the book.. it has a lot of interesting insight.
For example, he talks a lot about the way to think and even offers meditation advice. Common sense rules a lot in this book and he even talks about his life in exile and the impact it has had on his life path. It’s interesting to see someone who has suffered so much in his life and hold a high value for human life. In a way, I will need to reach that point too. I try not to hate my ex-wife. She makes it hard..but I will do my best to avoid that. I am trying to avoid the negativity of this. I don’t like to talk about it.
Anyway… My next book I will be reading after this is ‘The Oscar Wilde Collection’. I hear a lot about this author but I never read any of his stuff. I figured this would be a good time if any to start reading his stories (After the Dali Lama one first tho). There’s a lot more I need to read and improve myself on. I will start with the classics and move on from there. I plan to read some William Faulkner, T.S Eliot, Ralph Waldo Emerson and finish up the other works of Walt Whitman. I have a hard time focusing on reading, but it’s something I want to do. I have to do it.. it’s become an untold goal of mine.
That’s it for now. My brain hurts.. I think my heart punched it in the arm.
112 Reasons 