I’ve Been Alright
There isn’t a lot to talk about but at the same time there is. A lot has happened since I last wrote…sorta. I guess I’ll just write about what I am doing presently.
My ex has pretty much told me we are going back to court because she wants more time with the kids. She is going to try and get one more day out of the week to spend with the kids. The downside to that is, she will severely inhibit the kids’ learning because she procrastinates and does not take their education seriously. My attorney has said already its going to be a fight. I’m not looking forward to spending the dollars, but I have to do what I gotta do.
Second, my girlfriend is doing quite well. Unfortunately, she is in the middle of harvest. That means she is working between 70-80 hours a week. It’s taking a toll on her. She gets depressed because she doesn’t have time to see me when she wants. She knows it’s part of her job but she has a hard time accepting it. She is also very lonely out where she lives. I am in my own town taking care of kids. She understands it, but at times she doesn’t. That’s the hardest part about this relationship. We are very open in communicating what we feel and think, however most of her thoughts are that of our limitations. When harvest is over, things should return to normal. She’s just stressed for now. When she’s stressed, I’m stressed. It will be alright though,
Oh ya, I did move to a new place. It’s fairly small but we make due with what we have. The kids and I enjoy where we are. It’s of course not easy each day (but mostly the mornings). We are doing just fine. I have gotten back Into writing again. I’ve been retraining myself in cursive writing. I’ve also been drawing a little bit and just enjoying it. I don’t take my writings or drawings seriously. I just enjoy it. I’ve also been reading a little bit more. My girlfriend is the one to thank for that.
Emotionally, I’ve been alright. I haven’t been too stressed. I’ve been planning slowly for the future. So far so good. Granted, there’s a patch of court stormy weather but overall, I’ve been alright.
A Family to Raise and a Life to Live
So life begins a new. It’s a new school year and the kids have prospered well so far. In a twist of fate, my oldest daughter has my youngest daughters old teacher and my younger daughter has my oldest daughters old teacher. How bizarre. I have made amends with past ghosts. When I speak of ghosts, I speak of very personal dealings that I will be vague on.
This whole summer has been spent mostly working and spending time with the kids. I think they are glad school has begun again, but then again they still always complain. It’s still technically summer but we are trying to get back into old habits. For one, I am at the library right now. I think it’s important that we continue this past outing. I may not be able to hit up the library every week but I am going to try.
Now that I am seeing someone, we are trying to make it a point to see each other when we can. Our weekly schedule is based on if I have the kids for the weekend. If I have the kids, I see my girlfriend 2 days out of the week (since I will not likely see her much on the weekend). If I don’t have the kids for the weekend, I will see her only 1 day out of the week and spend the entire weekend with her. It definitely is a mixed mash of scheduling but it gives both of us our together time and alone time. My alone time however is dealt with kids either way.
My girlfriend works at a wine company. Since this is September, this is the time they harvest grapes for wine. She will be working 6 days a week, 12 hours days. She will be on this schedule into November. This will give us less time together. I find that having a girlfriend is busy work. Don’t get me wrong, the sex is great. I have nothing to complain about at all. However juggling work, kids, girlfriend and personal time is difficult. I have opted to out my personal time for now since I have had a ton of it in the past year. I like having the company of others over being alone. That’s my thought anyway.
I have also moved into my new place a couple weeks ago. It’s been a slow process getting the place put into order. I am not done, but I am well on my way. I can’t call it home, since it doesn’t feel that way. I won’t feel comfortable for a while. In fact, I can’t call anywhere my home. It felt more like a drifter if anything. But at least I have a base of operations (it’s the closest thing I can call it).
Life after the divorce has been alright otherwise. My ex is still not the brightest on the planet. Her mom even called me to tell me she thinks she is prostituting herself out. I think that’s a bit exaggerated but I wouldn’t be surprised otherwise. I do know that my ex isn’t treating her mother well. Ever since she moved in with her mom, she has been taking out her aggression on her mom. I have talked with her mom briefly about it. Her mom is a pushover much of the time. However she does put herself in difficult positions. I’m just glad I am not the focus of my ex’s problems anymore. I have a family to raise and a life to live.
That’s it for now. I think I rambled a lot in this post but then again, I don’t get to do that often.
The Eve
In follow up to my post about my ex (https://112reasons.wordpress.com/2011/02/10/there-is-no-going-back/)…
She is in the hospital. From what I have gathered, her organs are shutting down. I don’t know what her status is, but I do know her sister wrote about the demise. She said that she had to say ‘goodbye’ to her sister for the last time. I am not sure if this is melodrama, but I am only lead to believe what I see.
I know I shouldn’t be bothered by such trivial things as death. Unfortunately, the way we are raised leads us to believe that death is final. It may or may not, but that is what we are to believe. I am not immune to either belief. In either case, I find myself in depression and feeling helpless over someone who is on the verge of passing on.
Once again, I review old memories. See old pictures and review old relationships. Once again I feel helpless and not looking forward to the inevitable. Everyone is lighting candles and saying prayers. I wish I could do more.
There is no going back.
I met someone back in 2000 whom I randomly met at a party. During this party, we spent time sitting in a corner getting to know each other and doing the usual thing couples do at parties. We ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend a month or so later. The relationship was long distance (at least to me) but it was a fire laced relationship non-the-less.
We both cared and loved each other. We fought gallantly when fights. We were together for about 5 months total being on and off. We both cared for each other during the weird times. I however being someone who was fired on testosterone, was always making friend with ‘other girls’.
Back then, we didn’t have txt messaging. We had instant messaging. I would befriend cute girls back then and kept them as friends.. more for my ego. I was never the cheater type but I always put my relationships in positions where I would get myself dumped so I can pursue others. It was the way I got sex. I never liked one night stands. I always liked being in relationships for a couple months with a steady income of sex, then leave and hop around. Just the way I worked.
I was with my girlfriend at the time on and off. She never really detached herself from me, but I was always looking for the next pursuit. When I officially broke things off, I ended up sleeping with someone who we were both acquainted with. When my Girlfriend found out (even though we were broken up), it obviously didn’t go well. She claimed that I had cheated on her during our relationship and I was one who was to be associated with such. Afterward, we went our separate way. I was sleeping with the acquaintance on and off for the next month or so.
I always wrote the situation off. I always said that we were separated. I never cheated on her. Technically I didn’t. Emotionally.. that’s a different scenario.
Today, I am Facebook friends with the acquaintance. She also happens to be Facebook friends with my ex. They are both Facebook friends with my wife. Weird tapestry we weave. My ex got married about 5 years back to someone who is a wonderful dad and husband to their 4 kids. Life works out ..right?
My ex now has brain cancer. I’ve known about it for a year or so. I never thought about seriously until today. We are all friends. My ex is past the point where the tumors are not responding to treatment. I saw pictures of her in the hospital. No hair. Little life left. Posts of hopelessness. She is writing about how she knows her time has come. Her Facebook Wall is full of depression and death in itself.
I can’t help but feel I have a part in this. What if the energy I put ourselves in mutated this into her brain. This is crazy talk, but seeing her in these pictures only makes me feel like how much of a douche I was. I made a technicality in relationships and used people. I used them and after life moves on, you discover they will not be around much longer. This is the only time you bring others and your own mortality into the weave of this planet we live on.
“It’s Life” I try to rationalize. “It’s the way it’s meant to be” I keep thinking. What about to her kids? What about to her husband? What about to her?
What is my circumstance in this situation? I had a part in her life she lead. It included me at some point. We had some great times in the past. I should have made her life better than I did. I sit here at my desk and make life reflections for her. My actions could have been better. I could have left great memories. I probably did. But now I am left with how stupid I was back then. And I learned my lesson, if I didn’t learn it before.
I know now that I must make positive reflections of life to those I share it with. There is no going back.
112 Reasons 